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Your friend in poetry, Susan

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Comfort
1 year ago
Comfort 1 year ago

In the script of life's stage, I'm the jest,
A punchline scrawled by hands unsure, distressed.
Dangling on the margins, on edges I tread,
Existence penned in a comedy where sadness is fed.

Unsteady hands sketch this bleak refrain,
My role, a punchline in life's mocking domain.
Hanging on the precipice, teetering near,
Each scene etched with a shadow, a tear.

Pages turn, yet my lines remain the same,
A tragicomedy, a soul steeped in shame.
In this tale, laughter echoes, piercing and loud,
My existence, a joke, lost in a sorrowful shroud.

Susan Katz
1 year ago
Susan Katz 1 year ago

This is very well written and invites us into your pain and your emotion.  I do have a few suggestions regarding editing (and editing, by the way, is when the poem is truly written.)  See my suggestions in parenthesis below:

In the script of life's stage, I'm the jest,
A punchline scrawled by hands unsure, distressed.  (by hands, distressed - I'd remove "unsure")
Dangling on the margins, on edges I tread,
Existence penned in a comedy where sadness is fed.

Unsteady hands sketch this bleak refrain,
My role, a punchline in life's mocking domain. (another word for "punchline" as you've already used it - example - "an afterthought in life's...)
Hanging on the precipice, teetering near, (onto the precipice...)
Each scene etched with a shadow, a tear. (with shadows and tears...)

Pages turn, yet my lines remain the same, (I'd remove, for rhythmic concerns, the words "the same")
A tragicomedy, a soul steeped in shame.
In this tale, laughter echoes, piercing and loud,
My existence, a joke, lost in a sorrowful shroud. (not sure about "sorrowful" - it\'s a clumsy word here and messes with the rhythm - and this is your ending, so you want it to be powerful, memorable.  Possible other words "mournful shroud" - "blinding shroud" - "humbling shroud" - "unbearable shroud...")

The poem is powerful and well written, as I said - and these are just suggestions - dismiss them if they don't feel right.  Thank you so much for sharing your work with me.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

 

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