Poetry Talk

You are, truly, one amazingly talented lady - and, your talents spill like sunlight into the wide world of art, into all its many landscapes.  I bear witness to your "art on canvas" talent, and will see it every day, once we hang your stirring painting in our great room.  I have listened to (and saw) your music video and now, you have sent a poem that is truly exceptional in its message, in its imagery, in its poetic value.  Let me expand on that and offer a few simple suggestions:

There is an almost hypnotic flow that invites us into the poem - a rhythm - a word dance that we want to be part of.  There are, however, some moments when trimming a word or two would, I think, tighten the poem and contribute to the musical quality of the lines.  Some examples: 

Green smiles along the blue

The sun mints a coin (I would remove "the" and just go from "blue" to "sun")

Heartbeats,

Of the graph

And made a body ( I would go with "making" instead of "and made")

Shaped out of the stars. (again - take out "the" shaped out of stars...)

Finally, I would suggest, in going with the flow of contemporary poetry, you don't use punctuation and capitalization - this is a thought that has found its way into words on paper - we don't punctuate or capitalize our thoughts - and I think this extraordinary poem would benefit from that.  Another thought - line break - there is a poetic device called "enjambment" when a line of poetry ends, meaning one thing but, when connected to the next line, means something else.  You have moments where you could play, successfully, with that it your poem.

Thank you for sharing - I will definitely be considering your poem for Featured Poem of the Month for December.  I have found a bright and shining creative star - a world away but, one that speaks to me as though we were sitting together, sharing a glass of wine.

Your friend in poetry and in all things creative, Susan