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RELATIONSHIP WITH NATURE - ABHI SHARMA (1 reply and 1 comment)

Abhi Sharma
3 years ago
Abhi Sharma 3 years ago

IN This BED OF GREEN GRASS
I DIDN'T REMEMBER HOW 26 YEARS PASSED
ME AND THESE MOUNTAINS ARE NOW LOVERS
BECAUSE THEY HELP ME TO HEAL AND RECOVER
IN THIS RELATIONSHIP NO ONE PRETENDING FAKE
IT IS AS PURE AS BLUE LAKE

Susan Katz
3 years ago
Susan Katz 3 years ago

I am a nature lover myself and have spent many a day embraced by the power and beauty of blue lakes, blue skies filled with puffy white clouds, and mountains looming in the distance.  I like, very much, where your poem takes us, I just wonder if it could take us there without rhyming every line.  I think it detracts from the picture you are trying to create.  In nature things are often haphazard, boulders fall and clouds turn dark.  I think you poem needs to sound and feel more "natural" and that would happen, I believe, if you weren't so insistent upon rhyming the end of every line.  I am particularly worried about the last two lines as I feel you really "reached" for that rhyme.  Just a thought I thought I'd pass along to you,  I thank you very much for sharing your work with me.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

Abhi Sharma
3 years ago

Thanks for the advice i will try my best to overcome this rhyme
Please keep correcting me .

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