Poetry Talk

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Your friend in poetry, Susan

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Slow Flight. (1 reply)

Tiny glowing star
2 years ago
Tiny glowing star 2 years ago

I am here,

Looking at the dandelions,

Pollens waltz in air,

Bright and beautiful,

Taking off in a flight!

Slow yet elegant,

One after another,

Taking off to fly away,

To distant land, facing exquisite emotions!

A slow journey,

Makes them face the world better.

- Swetha.

 

 

Susan Katz
2 years ago
Susan Katz 2 years ago

Good Sunday morning, Swetha,  Your poem has so many fine moments but, I think you could bring it to an even more meaningful place with a few edits.  Please see my suggestions (just suggestions) below...

 

I am here (I am here looking - by bringing "looking" to this first line, you have used the poetic technique - enjambment - and I think it works well here)

Looking at the dandelions, ( I would omit the "the" and just say "looking at dandelions)

Pollens waltz in air,  (their "pollen waltzing in air...")

Bright and beautiful, ("bright" as ? - "beautiful" as ?_

Taking off in a flight! ("taking flight slowly...")

Slow yet elegant, (elegantly one...)

One after another, (after another flying to...)

Taking off to fly away, (distant lands)

To distant land, facing exquisite emotions! (If you want to tell us they are feeling "exquisite emotions" could you do so with an image instead of just telling us?)

A slow journey, (a slow journey taking them...)

Makes them face the world better. (I think you need a stronger ending here.  It's more than just "facing" the world, it's surviving in the world, multiplying and sustaining their species.)

Swetha, this is truly a fine poem and with a little work will be an extremely well-crafted poem, using poetic techniques. I would love to see it again after you've had time to work on it.  And by the way, I would love to see this poem flow - like a butterfly - with no punctuation - no capitalization - just "free flight."  Have a beautiful day and thank you so much for sharing your work with me.  This charming poem lifted my spirits on a gray and rainy day. - Susan

- Swetha.

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