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Your friend in poetry, Susan

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Sober (1 reply)

Comfort
1 week ago
Comfort 1 week ago

Drink, sip on the liquor,

Lips on its circular shape ,

It's when your eyes seem heavy that you speak truth,

You don't like my hair, it's too long you say,

My voice too soft to cheer you up, 

My shape uneven so it turns you off,

Not loose enough to have fun, I shouldn't worry about that girl, 

 

Sober,your eyes fully open, 

I cut my hair made it shorter,

I spoke with more sass and bass in my voice,

Lost the fat you called uneven, 

Got loose and had more fun,

And now you worry about that boy

Susan Katz
1 week ago
Susan Katz 1 week ago

Thank you for sharing your very intensely emotional poem with me.  I get it, I think, until the last line and then, I get a bit confused.  Please see some suggestions below:

Drink, sip on the liquor,

Lips on its circular shape ,

It's when your eyes seem heavy that you speak truth, (Don't need "It's)

You don't like my hair, it's too long you say, (Don't like my hair   too long )

My voice too soft to cheer you up,       (My voice too soft)

My shape uneven so it turns you off,   

Not loose enough to have fun, I shouldn't worry about that girl,   (This is two lines, I believe)

 

Sober,your eyes fully open, 

I cut my hair made it shorter,  (If you "cut your hair" you don't need to tell us you made it shorter)

I spoke with more sass and bass in my voice,  (....more sass more bass)

Lost the fat you called uneven, 

Got loose and had more fun,

And now you worry about that boy (? Do not get this line.)

You did a really good job with this poem.  Ir's tight but, I think it could be tighter and flow more dramatically.  I really would love to see it again, once you've had a chance to work on it a bit.  Thank you for trusting me with your work.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

 
 
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