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Your friend in poetry, Susan

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Soul-subsider (1 reply)

Fahad Khalique
2 years ago
Fahad Khalique 2 years ago

Have nothing in cold snowy winter
Let's wrap up to each other
Nothing is going to warm me
Let me subside into your pious soul.

I offered nothing to God in wish, because
My wish walks side-by-side to me.

Make me your deep secret diary
Express your solitude and felicity upon it
Make me your soaked handkerchief
I'll wipe out your fallen pearly tears.

You might be unaware of my nights
String the pearls of scattered tears.

Susan Katz
2 years ago
Susan Katz 2 years ago

Good Morning and thank you for sharing another poem with me.  Please see my thoughts below:

 

Have nothing in cold snowy winter
Let's wrap up to each other (Let's wrap up "in" to each other or "into"...)
Nothing is going to warm me
Let me subside into your pious soul. (Let me "slip" into your  pious soul - and question - will that warm you?  If so, than your previous line needs to reflect that...)

I offered nothing to God in wish, because (Do we "offer" wishes or is there a better word?  I would take out the "because" it is not necessary in poetry and seems to get in the way of the natural flow of the poem.)
My wish walks side-by-side to me. (with me)

Make me your deep secret diary
Express your solitude and felicity upon it (don't need "upon it")
Make me your soaked handkerchief
I'll wipe out your fallen pearly tears. (I'll "soak up" your...)

You might be unaware of my nights (You might be unaware my nights / string the pearls of scattered tears - beautiful lines!!!)
String the pearls of scattered tears.

The poem is really well written and I love your ending.  Just a few suggestions you may consider or discard.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

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