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Your friend in poetry, Susan

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Any Suggestions? (1 reply)

Sarah01
2 months ago
Sarah01 2 months ago

These are the vows

I took in silence

To love you the way you came to me

Rebirthed, the softest ray of sunshine

And presently unwavering

 

These are the songs i sung

At the sight of Twilight-

The stars unthanked for but twinkling

Days shifted to night,

Only the candle's torch chastising us

Disregarded, the time spent hating

 

I promise to love you in peace

And to sow an oath indeed-

Teach the soul- the ways of loving

In secrecy, in rebellion

 

I love you with the knowledge of the dark

And that forevers are doomed

Since the beginning

I love you the way you might not love me

Since i wrote it in blood, stilled

                             -sarah

 

Susan Katz
2 months ago
Susan Katz 2 months ago

Thank you so much for sharing your poem with me.  There are some really fine moments and some lovely lines.  Two things I would mention, in poetry - less is more - and an image, rather than directly telling us, helps you achieve the drama and emotional impact your are looking for.  Please see my suggestions below.

 

These are the vows

I took in silence  (lovely)

To love you the way you came to me (don't know if you need "to me")

Rebirthed, the softest ray of sunshine (reborn rather than "rebirthed" which is not really correct)

And presently unwavering (don't need "and")

 

These are the songs i sung

At the sight of Twilight- (don't need "-")

The stars unthanked for but twinkling ("unthanked" is not really a word - can you think of another? - don't need "for")

Days shifted to night, (how about we put it into the present tense - "days shift to night...")

Only the candle's torch chastising us ("chastises")

Disregarded, the time spent hating

 

I promise to love you in peace

And to sow an oath indeed- (don't need "indeed")

Teach the soul- the ways of loving

In secrecy, in rebellion  (these two lines are lovely)

 

I love you with the knowledge of the dark (nice)

And that forevers are doomed (forever is)

Since the beginning

I love you the way you might not love me

Since i wrote it in blood, stilled (I would end the poem at "...you might not love me..."  - this is a bit overkill and ending with ":stilled" is a bit confusing.)

Overall, a really fine poem with some powerful moments and filled with energy, emotion, and intensity.  Would love to see it again after you've had time to do a bit of editing.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

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