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Your friend in poetry, Susan

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Take your part of love (1 reply)

Aviana
1 year ago
Aviana 1 year ago

 

 

I'd look up at the moon
And you'd look me in my eyes,
And I would feel
As if the moonlight lit the ocean.
Oh! And when you'd smile!
The waves would catch a new fire.

Now the moon reminds me of you,
and the ocean too.
And I tell you!
If even today the night sky remind you of me,
Ah! The ocean awaits you!
and the waves are still burning.
Your part of love still exists in me,
Though alone,
Yet unmoved.

 

Susan Katz
1 year ago
Susan Katz 1 year ago

Very nicely done.  A strong image that works throughout and I do like your title.  I do think your poem would benefit from tightening - removing unnecessary words, for example:  Do you need (a new) fire - words like "now" and "and" are standing in the way of the flow of the poem - and check your tenses - many of them are grammatically incorrect.  Sorry to be so critical - I only do so when I feel there is really possibility and talent.  I would invite you to rewrite your poem - rethink it in terms of rhythm and also fool around a bit with where you end your lines - that sometimes makes a huge difference in the way we read your poem - and thus, what we get out of your poem.  Truly, well done - love to see it again, after editing.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

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