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Your friend in poetry, Susan

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The Sea of my one night: ,,,,,, The sea was calm and blue like a woman's heart Her shore a bikini-clad woman waiting for sunset Cat eyed girl loo ... (1 reply)

Muhammed puthuppady
3 years ago
  • I

    The Sea of my one night:
    ,,,,,,
    The sea was calm and blue like a woman's heart
    Her shore a bikini-clad woman waiting for sunset
    Cat eyed girl looking for me looking with a fixed gaze
    The rocks could hear some murmurs in the background
    The smell of dried fish wafted through the evening - the seabirds cried again with thirst
    I slept for a long time in the dark and never saw her again
    Maybe she's my feelings stuck in the rocks
    I had always loved the rocks
    Like the blue of the sea, all rocks are re-enactment of women's hearts
    |  again wandered about in an evening dream
    She didnot come back even at night
    I will be reborn for her yet again
    Is it me or is it the thirst of those birds' cries?
    I was not in the heaps of self-painted pictures
    Can you see her cat- eyed portrait amid the rocks?
    Is there somebody to whisper behind my silhouette in the evenings?

Susan Katz
3 years ago
Susan Katz 3 years ago

Thank you for sharing your poem with me.  You have a lovely theme and some very fine lines but I do think your poem would benefit greatly from editing.  I love the lines that make us feel or see or smell or touch or taste and think you should concentrate on images like "rocks are re-enactments of women's hearts" though I am not sure what that image is supposed to make me feel.  Do women have hearts of stone?  Is that a good thing?  I would love to see your poem again after you've had a chance to do some editing and applying more in the way of imagery (metaphor and simile) and line break and alliteration - all those wonderful language devices that turn words and lines into the magic of poetry.  Write on...  Your friend in poetry, Susan

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