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Your friend in poetry, Susan

FEATURED POEM
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Ukiyo (1 reply and 1 comment)

Riya Jaiswal
2 years ago
Riya Jaiswal 2 years ago

The endings won't end you

set yourself free

with wings unfolded

there's beauty

this time, this place

go wild for a while

burn out the stars with me

memories were always priceless

as long as you wanted

I wanted the wanting

we were made of star dust

wandering in this cosmos

you give me fireflies

unlove me, please

a memory, a star, a stain

let me distract you

all I need is me

I'll never be that me again

let me pass through

the blazing fire

I'll come out as gold 

fight for the fairytale

let me find my wings

escape the ordinary

'rarity' is rare

you are someone to me

an unreasonable request

call me a nameless person

let me leave

for my fantasy. 

Susan Katz
2 years ago
Susan Katz 2 years ago

Good morning, Riya.  Thank you so much for submitting this lovely, lyrical, meaningful, and emotional poem.  Please see suggestions below:

The endings won't end you ("endings won't end you"  I would leave out capitalization and punctuation, as we don't use those "restrictions" in our thoughts or feelings and this is what this poem is all about.)

set yourself free

with wings unfolded (unfold your wings)

there's beauty (in)

this time, this place

go wild for a while (really like the way "wild" and "while" work together)

burn out the stars with me

memories were always priceless (were/are priceless - don't need "always")

as long as you wanted

I wanted the wanting

we were made of star dust

wandering in this cosmos (the cosmos)

you give me fireflies

unlove me, please

a memory, a star, a stain

let me distract you

all I need is me

I'll never be that me again (I'd move "again" to the next line)

let me pass through

the blazing fire

I'll come out as gold (golden)

fight for the fairytale (fight for fairytales)

let me find my wings (find wings)

escape the ordinary

'rarity' is rare

you are someone to me

an unreasonable request

call me a nameless person (call me nameless)

let me leave

for my fantasy.  (leave me to my fantasy)

This is a powerful and well written poem.  You understand the drama and flow of poetry and I truly enjoyed reading, and working on, this poem.  Please understand that my suggestions are just that, suggestions.  Feel free to disregard any, or all, that you disagree with.  I thank you for trusting me with your fine work and hope to get to some of your other poems, as time permits.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

 
 
Susan Katz
2 years ago

I forgot to mention - when you leave out punctuation, use spacing as a way of alerting the reader to a pause.

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