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Your friend in poetry, Susan

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Waiting (1 reply)

Riya Jaiswal
1 month ago
Riya Jaiswal 1 month ago

I was waiting for you

from dusk till dawn 

my skin longing for the 

warmth of your light

the intimacy of your 

eyes upon me

to emmerse in its depth

of beauty which 

sparkled my heart

and pumped its glow

into my veins

 

        but

 

you never returned 

as I stood there

drenched in rain

cherry blossoms, dust,

maples and snow flakes

patience took pity

turned me into

a graffiti captioned 

'lover turned loner'

 

         but

 

still I wander

round my graffiti

it's 101 years

since I started being called

a lowkey ghost with 

an untold story

lost long ago

crippled in the hands 

of reaper while

waiting for you.

Susan Katz
1 month ago
Susan Katz 1 month ago

Good morning, Riya.  First, let me answer your question about stanza breaks and when to move from one stanza to another.  A stanza break may be used for dramatic effect or because we are changing our thought or direction or, simply because the rhythm of the poem demands that we create a space, a rest, if you will, before moving on to the next line and thought.  Experiment with it and see where your poem takes you.

There is much about this poem that I like very much and that rises to a high level of poetry.  There are also times when the poem slips into a kind of "telling" rather than showing us, making us feel, insisting we become part of the poem.  Please see my suggestions below. (And remember, they are only suggestions, the poem and how it finally finds its completed way onto the page, is entirely up to you.)

I was waiting for you  (waiting for you / (this / indicates suggested line break)

from dusk till dawn 

my skin longing for the (skin longing...)

warmth of your light  ("warmth of your light" is a bit vague and also, a bit overused - is there a better way to say this - one that tells us what the "warmth" does/means to you?)

the intimacy of your  (don't need "the" - also, there is a technique in poetry called "enjambment" and there is an opportunity for you to use it here. Enjambment is when you end a line where it suggests one meaning but, when you connect it to the next line, it takes on a new or more powerful meaning.  So I would do the following"  "the intimacy of your eyes / upon me" - also, I would suggest another way of saying "upon me" - "the intimacy of your eyes / touching - caressing - tasting - stroking, etc.  And maybe "me" becomes "my skin"  "my soul"  "my body"...)

eyes upon me

to emmerse in its depth  (Immersed in their depths)

of beauty which (this is enjambment - "immersed in their depths / of beauty which..)

sparkled my heart (more then "sparkled?" - "inflamed" "captured" "embraced"...)

and pumped its glow (has to be a better way to say this - though the idea, the feeling is wonderful.  This is almost too "clinical" while needing to be more romantic, more intense.  Example:  ""Inflamed my heart / unleashing its glow / flowing into my veins."

into my veins

        but (I would leave this out and just do a stanza break and move on_

you never returned 

as I stood there  (don't need "there")

drenched in rain  (warm rain - cold rain - soft rain - hard rain?)

cherry blossoms, dust, (no commas - just leave spaces - three to five - depending on how long you want the reader to pause)

maples and snow flakes  (cherry blossoms and dust then maples and snow flakes seems like you were standing a very, very long time.  I get what you're trying to say - the permanent feel of the leaving - but I would choose one or the other.  If you choose to use them both, I would find something else to go with snowflakes - like cold winds, for example)

patience took pity ( this stanza is a little "talky" - could use more feeling, more images and less "telling.")

turned me into

a graffiti captioned 

'lover turned loner' (I like this.  You don't need to put it into quotes unless it is someone else's line.)

         but  (I'd leave out the "but" - that's for story tellers, not poets)

still I wander (this stanza I find a bit confusing.  Not sure what "wandering around your graffiti for 101 years means.  Don't know what a "lowkey ghost" is and again, you are telling us rather than showing us through imagery and emotion.)

round my graffiti

it's 101 years

since I started being called

a lowkey ghost with 

an untold story

lost long ago

crippled in the hands 

of reaper while

waiting for you.

Again, thank you so much for trusting me with your work.  A poem is a very intimate and emotional thing and placing it into the hands of another, requires trust.  I am grateful for your belief in me.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

 
 
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