New reply from Susan Katz
<p>There are some absolutely wonderful moments in your poem! Thank you so much for sharing it with me. I do, as I always do, have a few suggestions that I think might tighten and make clearer, certain moments in your poem. </p>
<p>Wouldn't change a word of the following, though you might consider using spacing as a way of separating one thought from another or, creating a more dramatic affect.</p>
<p>Soft heat like little feet dancing on beach go-ers, (I tjhink "goers" is one word – not hyphenated)</p>
<p><br />On curved moon carved hands <br />On coin chasers by the car park <br />On children of concrete jungle<br />Even on those who flee solid roof for uncertain sky : (love this)<br />Sun stomps with high heels <br />Parties on skin with care free moves <br />On them who love Day…</p>
<p>for he brings prey(not sure what this means)</p>
<p>Hate Sun for being heartless in his torture<br />On them who love Night for she brings shade (This should be "torture 'of" them not "on" them)<br />Hate Night for under Moon they become prey ( I would not use "prey" twice and, I'm not sure it works the first time – better here)<br />Sun's beat like heart shall never stop till his olden days (not sure what this means – "shall never stop till olden days…" I would like a sharper, tighter, clearer ending to what is, a really fine poem.)</p>
<p>I hope you'll resend, and I will definitely consider for a Featured Poem of the Week publication on my website.</p>
<p>Write on – Susan</p>
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https://poetladykatz.com/poetry-talk/beating-sun
Original Post by Comfort
Beating sun
<p style="padding-left: 40px;">Soft heat like little feet dancing on beach go-ers, <br />On curved moon carved hands <br />On coin chasers by the car park <br />On children of concrete jungle<br />Even on those who flee solid roof for uncertain sky : <br />Sun stomps with high heels <br />Parties on skin with care free moves <br />On them who love Day for he brings prey <br />Hate Sun for being heartless in his torture<br />On them who love Night for she brings shade <br />Hate Night for under Moon they become prey <br />Sun's beat like heart shall never stop till his olden days</p>
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