Poet Lady Katz: new forum comment on Mighty Men

New comment from Susan Katz

Good Morning from Connecticut, USA. You have made wonderful progress with your poem. You have tightened it, and addressed most of the issues with English grammar. I might add, poetry is often forgiving when we take language and twist it about a bit. And so, some moments in your poem work really well. I particularly like your first stanza but wonder if you meant to say –

With nothing to impress
WITH NO ONE TO IMPRESS
Just his sheer innocence
WITH HIS SHEER INNOCENCE

I truly like your ending – the "confession" if you will that this journey you've taken us on, this "friend" you introduce us to in your poem, is the boy's imagination. Lovely. Rather than go over the poem here, may I suggest you read some of the lessons here on my website. I talk about imagery, rhyme, poetic techniques, and editing. Your poem has come a long way and deserves the attention to detail I think would make it a truly meaningful poem. Please let me see your next version of it and perhaps, I will be able to feature it as my "Poem of the Week" after you've been able to declare it "finished." Keep on writing and believing in yourself. I do think you have talent. Write on, Susan

https://poetladykatz.com/poetry-talk/mighty-men

Original Post by Being_oasis

Mighty Men

Peeping through the window,
Running in the wild I saw,
My younger self
Just look how handsome he was
A boy of simple bones and flesh
With nothing to impress
Just his sheer innocence
 
Basking in the glorious sun
Just look at this carefree soul
Lying under shady trees
Playing with the fairies free
 
Then on a single day
The gazing sun lost its shine
The fairies and pixies all went blind
The boy was confused
For this time he did not know
What he has to do?
The mighty men arrived
The boy ran for his life
 
They all went after him
And he sat in his car
The closest one to his life
As it would into turn into anything
He liked or disliked.
The car roared through the growing forest
Shooting lasers to their mortar
 
As his laser started increasing
Pinching mighty men,
Piercing their weapons
They came with all their strength
Thrashing the poor boy
As he sat with his broken friend
Ah! The poor broken friend
 
The mighty men took the boy with them
Inside their aging den
Schooled him till the day he learned
No objection to the men’s word
No questions out of syllabus
Only mug, mug and mug
 
After years of programming
The boy was released
A shattered machine in the wild fields
Waiting to unite,
With his love, his life
His friend of old time
Which still laid in the forest
The forest known as child
And the friend was none other than
His mind, imagination open wide

comment made on…

Thank you so much for sharing your very inviting, very self revealing poem. I think you have some wonderful moments in your poem – moments that are both compelling and quite well written. There are some places where your grammar (English not being your first language) gets in the way of the poem's intent. For example:
Peeping through the window, Running in the wild I saw, My younger self Just look (how) handsome he was A boy of simple bones and flesh With nothing to impress Just his sheer innocence
The rest of the stanza is excellent – delightful – well-written and subtly poetic. I like the way you have three "slant rhymes" at the end of your stanza, "flesh" "impress" and "innocence." Deftly done!
Your poem has a presence and a purpose and invites us to read on. I would love to see it again, after you've had a chance to do a bit of editing (remember, less is more, in poetry) and address the grammatical issues. Thank you so much for allowing me the opportunity to read your poem. Your friend in poetry, Susan