Poet Lady Katz: new forum comment on Mighty Men

New comment from Being_oasis

will not let you down😊


Original Post by Being_oasis

Mighty Men

<p>Peeping through the window,</p>
<p>Running in the wild I saw,</p>
<p>My younger self</p>
<p>Just look how handsome he was</p>
<p>A boy of simple bones and flesh</p>
<p>With nothing to impress</p>
<p>Just his sheer innocence</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Basking in the glorious sun</p>
<p>Just look at this carefree soul</p>
<p>Lying under shady trees</p>
<p>Playing with the fairies free</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then on a single day</p>
<p>The gazing sun lost its shine</p>
<p>The fairies and pixies all went blind</p>
<p>The boy was confused</p>
<p>For this time he did not know</p>
<p>What he has to do?</p>
<p>The mighty men arrived</p>
<p>The boy ran for his life</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They all went after him</p>
<p>And he sat in his car</p>
<p>The closest one to his life</p>
<p>As it would into turn into anything</p>
<p>He liked or disliked.</p>
<p>The car roared through the growing forest</p>
<p>Shooting lasers to their mortar</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As his laser started increasing</p>
<p>Pinching mighty men,</p>
<p>Piercing their weapons</p>
<p>They came with all their strength</p>
<p>Thrashing the poor boy</p>
<p>As he sat with his broken friend</p>
<p>Ah! The poor broken friend</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The mighty men took the boy with them</p>
<p>Inside their aging den</p>
<p>Schooled him till the day he learned</p>
<p>No objection to the men’s word</p>
<p>No questions out of syllabus</p>
<p>Only mug, mug and mug</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After years of programming</p>
<p>The boy was released</p>
<p>A shattered machine in the wild fields</p>
<p>Waiting to unite,</p>
<p>With his love, his life</p>
<p>His friend of old time</p>
<p>Which still laid in the forest</p>
<p>The forest known as child</p>
<p>And the friend was none other than</p>
<p>His mind, imagination open wide</p>

comment made on…

<p>Thank you so much for sharing your very inviting, very self revealing poem.  I think you have some wonderful moments in your poem – moments that are both compelling and quite well written.  There are some places where your grammar (English not being your first language) gets in the way of the poem's intent.  For example:</p>
<p>Peeping through the window,<br />Running in the wild I saw,<br />My younger self<br />Just look (how) handsome he was<br />A boy of simple bones and flesh<br />With nothing to impress<br />Just his sheer innocence</p>
<p>The rest of the stanza is excellent  – delightful – well-written and subtly poetic.  I like the way you have three "slant rhymes" at the end of your stanza, "flesh" "impress" and "innocence."  Deftly done!</p>
<p>Your poem has a presence and a purpose and invites us to read on.  I would love to see it again, after you've had a chance to do a bit of editing (remember, less is more, in poetry) and address the grammatical issues.  Thank you so much for allowing me the  opportunity to read your poem.  Your friend in poetry, Susan</p>