New comment from Lila
this is a powerful poem. There are powerful feelings. But who is the boy. Please tell your readers
https://poetladykatz.com/poetry-talk/sober
Original Post by Comfort
Sober
<p>Drink, sip on the liquor,</p>
<p>Lips on its circular shape ,</p>
<p>It's when your eyes seem heavy that you speak truth,</p>
<p>You don't like my hair, it's too long you say,</p>
<p>My voice too soft to cheer you up, </p>
<p>My shape uneven so it turns you off,</p>
<p>Not loose enough to have fun, I shouldn't worry about that girl, </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sober,your eyes fully open, </p>
<p>I cut my hair made it shorter,</p>
<p>I spoke with more sass and bass in my voice,</p>
<p>Lost the fat you called uneven, </p>
<p>Got loose and had more fun,</p>
<p>And now you worry about that boy</p>
comment made on…
<p>Thank you for sharing your very intensely emotional poem with me. I get it, I think, until the last line and then, I get a bit confused. Please see some suggestions below: </p>
<div id="wps_initial_post" class="wps_forum_post_new">
<div class="wps_forum_post_comment">
<div class="wps_forum_post_comment_content">
<div class="wps_forum_item_content">
<p>Drink, sip on the liquor,</p>
<p>Lips on its circular shape ,</p>
<p>It's when your eyes seem heavy that you speak truth, (Don't need "It's)</p>
<p>You don't like my hair, it's too long you say, (Don't like my hair too long )</p>
<p>My voice too soft to cheer you up, (My voice too soft)</p>
<p>My shape uneven so it turns you off, </p>
<p>Not loose enough to have fun, I shouldn't worry about that girl, (This is two lines, I believe)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sober,your eyes fully open, </p>
<p>I cut my hair made it shorter, (If you "cut your hair" you don't need to tell us you made it shorter)</p>
<p>I spoke with more sass and bass in my voice, (….more sass more bass)</p>
<p>Lost the fat you called uneven, </p>
<p>Got loose and had more fun,</p>
<p>And now you worry about that boy (? Do not get this line.)</p>
<p>You did a really good job with this poem. Ir's tight but, I think it could be tighter and flow more dramatically. I really would love to see it again, once you've had a chance to work on it a bit. Thank you for trusting me with your work. Your friend in poetry, Susan</p>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div id="wps_forum_comment_div">
<div id="wps_forum_comment_form"><form id="wps_forum_comment_theuploadform" enctype="multipart/form-data">
<div id="wps_forum_comment_content_label"> </div>
<div>
<div id="wp-wps_forum_comment-wrap" class="wp-core-ui wp-editor-wrap tmce-active">
<div id="wp-wps_forum_comment-editor-tools" class="wp-editor-tools hide-if-no-js">
<div class="wp-editor-tabs"> </div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</form></div>
</div>