Poet Lady Katz: new forum comment on Ukiyo

New comment from Susan Katz

I forgot to mention – when you leave out punctuation, use spacing as a way of alerting the reader to a pause.


Original Post by Riya Jaiswal


<p style="text-align: center;"><em>The endings won't end you</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>set yourself free</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>with wings unfolded</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>there's beauty</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>this time, this place</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>go wild for a while</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>burn out the stars with me</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>memories were always priceless</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>as long as you wanted</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>I wanted the wanting</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>we were made of star dust</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>wandering in this cosmos</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>you give me fireflies</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>unlove me, please</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>a memory, a star, a stain</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>let me distract you</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>all I need is me</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>I'll never be that me again</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>let me pass through</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>the blazing fire</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>I'll come out as gold </em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>fight for the fairytale</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>let me find my wings</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>escape the ordinary</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>'rarity' is rare</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>you are someone to me</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>an unreasonable request</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>call me a nameless person</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>let me leave</em></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><em>for my fantasy. </em></p>

comment made on…

<p>Good morning, Riya.  Thank you so much for submitting this lovely, lyrical, meaningful, and emotional poem.  Please see suggestions below:</p>
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<p><em>The endings won't end you ("endings won't end you"  I would leave out capitalization and punctuation, as we don't use those "restrictions" in our thoughts or feelings and this is what this poem is all about.)<br /></em></p>
<p><em>set yourself free</em></p>
<p><em>with wings unfolded (unfold your wings)<br /></em></p>
<p><em>there's beauty (in)<br /></em></p>
<p><em>this time, this place</em></p>
<p><em>go wild for a while (really like the way "wild" and "while" work together)<br /></em></p>
<p><em>burn out the stars with me</em></p>
<p><em>memories were always priceless (were/are priceless – don't need "always")<br /></em></p>
<p><em>as long as you wanted</em></p>
<p><em>I wanted the wanting</em></p>
<p><em>we were made of star dust</em></p>
<p><em>wandering in this cosmos (the cosmos)<br /></em></p>
<p><em>you give me fireflies</em></p>
<p><em>unlove me, please</em></p>
<p><em>a memory, a star, a stain</em></p>
<p><em>let me distract you</em></p>
<p><em>all I need is me</em></p>
<p><em>I'll never be that me again (I'd move "again" to the next line)<br /></em></p>
<p><em>let me pass through</em></p>
<p><em>the blazing fire</em></p>
<p><em>I'll come out as gold (golden)</em></p>
<p><em>fight for the fairytale (fight for fairytales)<br /></em></p>
<p><em>let me find my wings (find wings)<br /></em></p>
<p><em>escape the ordinary</em></p>
<p><em>'rarity' is rare</em></p>
<p><em>you are someone to me <br /></em></p>
<p><em>an unreasonable request</em></p>
<p><em>call me a nameless person (call me nameless)<br /></em></p>
<p><em>let me leave</em></p>
<p><em>for my fantasy.  (leave me to my fantasy)<br /></em></p>
<p>This is a powerful and well written poem.  You understand the drama and flow of poetry and I truly enjoyed reading, and working on, this poem.  Please understand that my suggestions are just that, suggestions.  Feel free to disregard any, or all, that you disagree with.  I thank you for trusting me with your fine work and hope to get to some of your other poems, as time permits.  Your friend in poetry, Susan</p>
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