New reply from Susan Katz
<p>Thank you so much for sharing your poem with me. There are some really fine moments and some lovely lines. Two things I would mention, in poetry – less is more – and an image, rather than directly telling us, helps you achieve the drama and emotional impact your are looking for. Please see my suggestions below.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>These are the vows</p>
<p>I took in silence (lovely)</p>
<p>To love you the way you came to me (don't know if you need "to me")</p>
<p>Rebirthed, the softest ray of sunshine (reborn rather than "rebirthed" which is not really correct)</p>
<p>And presently unwavering (don't need "and")</p>
<p> </p>
<p>These are the songs i sung</p>
<p>At the sight of Twilight- (don't need "-")</p>
<p>The stars unthanked for but twinkling ("unthanked" is not really a word – can you think of another? – don't need "for")</p>
<p>Days shifted to night, (how about we put it into the present tense – "days shift to night…")</p>
<p>Only the candle's torch chastising us ("chastises")</p>
<p>Disregarded, the time spent hating </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I promise to love you in peace</p>
<p>And to sow an oath indeed- (don't need "indeed")</p>
<p>Teach the soul- the ways of loving</p>
<p>In secrecy, in rebellion (these two lines are lovely)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I love you with the knowledge of the dark (nice)</p>
<p>And that forevers are doomed (forever is)</p>
<p>Since the beginning</p>
<p>I love you the way you might not love me</p>
<p>Since i wrote it in blood, stilled (I would end the poem at "…you might not love me…" – this is a bit overkill and ending with ":stilled" is a bit confusing.)</p>
<p>Overall, a really fine poem with some powerful moments and filled with energy, emotion, and intensity. Would love to see it again after you've had time to do a bit of editing. Your friend in poetry, Susan</p>
https://poetladykatz.com/poetry-talk/suggestions
Original Post by Sarah01
Any Suggestions?
<p>These are the vows</p>
<p>I took in silence</p>
<p>To love you the way you came to me</p>
<p>Rebirthed, the softest ray of sunshine</p>
<p>And presently unwavering</p>
<p> </p>
<p>These are the songs i sung</p>
<p>At the sight of Twilight-</p>
<p>The stars unthanked for but twinkling</p>
<p>Days shifted to night,</p>
<p>Only the candle's torch chastising us</p>
<p>Disregarded, the time spent hating</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I promise to love you in peace</p>
<p>And to sow an oath indeed-</p>
<p>Teach the soul- the ways of loving</p>
<p>In secrecy, in rebellion</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I love you with the knowledge of the dark</p>
<p>And that forevers are doomed</p>
<p>Since the beginning</p>
<p>I love you the way you might not love me</p>
<p>Since i wrote it in blood, stilled</p>
<p> -sarah</p>
<p> </p>