New reply from Susan Katz
<p>Good Morning from Connecticut, USA. Thank you, for once again sharing your work with me. There is powerful emotion in this poem and, because I think it has great possibility, I do have a few suggestions I think might help the poem to flow both rhythmically, and poetically. I'm going to use your first stanza as an example but, the suggestions I make for this stanza, could be applied to the others, as well.</p>
<p>Life seems to be in vain, LIFE IS IN VAIN (more powerful if it "is: rather than "seems to be"</p>
<p>For me to mourn with my unsatisfied, I MOURN UNSATISFIED, UNPREDICTABLE (line break here) </p>
<p>Unpredictable desires to accomplish! (DESIRES TO ACCOMPLISH)</p>
<p>Where do I need to stroll for my destination? I WOULD SUGGEST A STRONGER</p>
<p>WORD THAN "STROLL" HERE – TO "STROLL" IS TO MOVE LEISURELY – YOU ARE SEEKING YOUR UNSATISFIED DESIRES – I BELIEVE YOU WOULD BE RUNNING OR PUSHING FORWARD OR STRUGGLING – AND, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THIS IN A LESS COMPLICATED WAY – EXAMPLE: I struggle towards my destination.</p>
<p>Your work has all the passion, purpose, and possibility a poem needs to succeed. I think you simply have to spend some time editing, reading your poem aloud and discovering those moments in the poem where brevity of language, imagery, and poetic techniques such as, alliteration, will enhance the intention and meaning of your poem, for the reader.</p>
<p>Thank you, once again, for sharing your poem, and trusting me to critique it. Your friend in poetry, Susan</p>
https://poetladykatz.com/poetry-talk/life-with-no-achievements
Original Post by Tiny glowing star
Life with no achievements!
<p>Life with no achievements!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Life seems to be in vain,</p>
<p>For me to mourn with my unsatisfied,</p>
<p>Unpredictable desires to accomplish!</p>
<p>Where do I need to stroll for my destination?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Here and there my life lingers,</p>
<p>To explore and execute more,</p>
<p>Of my unattainable goals!</p>
<p>What is it that I am seeking for?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Looking around, feels so monotonous,</p>
<p>As watching millions of people,</p>
<p>Grabbing their dreams in flying colours!</p>
<p>What should I do from this moment on?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Everything seems so plain and dull,</p>
<p>That is, my life has rather become a routine,</p>
<p>Of same schedule, with nothing to explore!</p>
<p>Does my mind seem to be in a celebration for a good nap?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Everything becomes so unclear,</p>
<p>As I continue to permeate in this path,</p>
<p>Where I am just going along with my fate!</p>
<p>Will a day arise to become proud of myself?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-swetha.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>