New reply from Susan Katz
<p>Thank you for submitting your poem here in the Chat Room. Let me start by saying, you have some lovely, lyrical, finely written lines in your poem. I will reference some of them but first, there are some issues with grammar and tense in your poem. Grammatically correct would be: Loves Satiety has grown – or – Loves Satiety grew – "Which enbosom's thou greatness, in beauty & in minds" "embosom's is not a word in English – perhaps you meant "embodies?" And "minds" need not be plural – just "mind" would work better, as, I assume, it is your "mind" we are talking about. Again "finds" should be "find" – "</p>
<p>"Beyond horizons of death, we shall raise a cottage,</p>
<p>& fashion those walls, with erotic paintings long lost; </p>
<p>"Where scorpions won’t poison our pious tale of passion,</p>
<p>So no regret shall thrive, in heart’s (our hearts?) LOVELY LINES</p>
<p>"Lavish art those eyes, O painted in hyacinth blue-" VERY NICE</p>
<p>"Forbids what then thou, to glow beyond gloom," THIS LINE IS CONFUSING</p>
<p>"Amour to the world, is this what concerns thou?</p>
<p>Then hear, O beloved,” In us love’s satiety hath grew”." YOUR POEM DESERVES A CLEARER ENDING THAN THIS. I AM A BIT CONFUSED BY THESE TWO LINES AND THIS IS WHERE THE POEM NEEDS TO MAKE ITS ULTIMATE STATEMENT.</p>
<p>I would be most happy to see your poem again, after you have had a chance to work on it and do some editing and grammatical corrections. I am planning on doing a week, on my site, where I focus on love as the theme. I will be happy to consider your poem for "Poem of the Week" for that week, after you've had a chance to edit it.</p>
<p>You have talent and you understand the intricacies and passion of poetry. I am so impressed by your ability to write poetry in a second language. Your poem just needs some tightening and correcting and I think it will be something you can be very, very proud of. Thanks once again, for trusting me with your work, Susan</p>
https://poetladykatz.com/poetry-talk/loves-satiety-hath-grew
Original Post by RG983
Love's Satiety hath grew!
<p>Love's Satiety hath grew!</p>
<p>To me, O lady, thou owe a queer emotion,</p>
<p>Which binds me to thou, in pain and pleasure;</p>
<p>Which enbosom's thou greatness, in beauty & in minds,</p>
<p>For thou smile is the dawn, whom the darkness doth finds.</p>
<p>Beyond horizons of death, we shall raise a cottage,</p>
<p>& fashion those walls, with erotic paintings long lost;</p>
<p>Where scorpions won’t poison our pious tale of passion,</p>
<p>So no regret shall thrive, in heart’s small cushion.</p>
<p>Nought keep me patient, before li'l left days,</p>
<p>Of union, till then all nights fail slumber;</p>
<p>Shades of benevolence, have bloomed in mine bower,</p>
<p>Tis’ awaiting thou regard, for an eternal hour.</p>
<p>My lungs now taste thou neck's wondrous scent,</p>
<p>Which secretly thou behold, in the crevices of soul;</p>
<p>Lavish art those eyes, O painted in hyacinth blue-</p>
<p>Which engrosses in world’s wonders, & world's charmed in you…</p>
<p>Forbids what then thou, to glow beyond gloom,</p>
<p>Let despondence cease, in intimacy of thoughts;</p>
<p>Amour to the world, is this what concerns thou?</p>
<p>Then hear, O beloved,” In us love’s satiety hath grew”.</p>
<p>R.G.</p>
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