Poet Lady Katz: new forum reply to My adventurous date.

New reply from Susan Katz

<p>Once again, thank you for sharing your poetry with me.  I really like your opening stanza –  I would however, consider editing a bit to make it fit more concisely into the structure of poetry – see suggestions below:</p>
<p>The butter sun just shines,  (The butter sun shines)</p>
<p>Making its way along the clouds, (A better, more poetic word than "making" – prancing, dancing, leaping, sliding, ???)</p>
<p>I want to cuddle with this day,</p>
<p>Making my perfect path in this month, May! (Again "making" does not add anything to the beauty of language or impact of imagery – Discovering, finding, path-finding, and I don't know if you need "in this month" – "Discovering my perfect path in May)</p>
<p>This stanza becomes more story than poem.  What we need are images for things like "adventures" – thrills -challenges – the last line is nice but, you do not need the exclamation mark – the words should tell us how much "warmth" there was.</p>
<p>My date boosts up with adventures,</p>
<p>A thrill to enjoy with my partner,</p>
<p>A challenge to participate with enthusiasm,</p>
<p>While holding hands, feeling each other's warmth!</p>
<p>I would prefer if you would use another word for "date" – again, looking for an image or, simply say "he is an amusing wonder" – "experiencing what? under a clear sky"  And, I think you need a stronger ending with imagery that speaks to us in the voice of poetry. "I have no boundaries to 'face" alone as …</p>
<p>My date is an amusing wonder,</p>
<p>To experience with him under the clear sky,</p>
<p>I have no boundaries to cross alone,</p>
<p>Since my partner would always come along!</p>
<p>Since I know you are serious about your poetry and are working to elevate your writing, I have given an honest critique, from my perspective.  This, however, is your work and please feel free to use or dismiss, my suggestions.</p>
<p>Wishing you a very creative day – your friend in poetry, Susan</p>
<p> </p>

https://poetladykatz.com/poetry-talk/my-adventurous-date

Original Post by Tiny glowing star

My adventurous date.

<p>The butter sun just shines,</p>
<p>Making its way along the clouds,</p>
<p>I want to cuddle with this day,</p>
<p>Making my perfect path in this month, May!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The breeze is just soothing,</p>
<p>For my astonishing date,</p>
<p>But I don't wish for a candle light dinner,</p>
<p>To just have a meal while staring the site!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My date boosts up with adventures,</p>
<p> A thrill to enjoy with my partner,</p>
<p>A challenge to participate with enthusiasm,</p>
<p>While holding hands, feeling each other's warmth!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My date is an amusing wonder,</p>
<p>To experience with him under the clear sky,</p>
<p>I have no boundaries to cross alone,</p>
<p>Since my partner would always come along!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>- Swetha.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>