I AM YOU

Sometimes at night
when the sky
is darker than my dreams
and sometimes
when the day    is grey
sun-less and too sad
even for shadows to play      I hide
inside myself    creep through that porous
part of me where tears and sighs escape
seeking a silence uninterrupted
by screams    a soft silence      where memory
plays a song   and I recall the melody
and hum along

Sometimes        I pretend
there are no tears   no fears   no wounds
no blood   no loneliness   no ache
no endless hours
where wanting weeps into desire
desire surrenders
to despair
there     somewhere between
sensing and knowing
beyond what even faith
can nurture
I try to tame the pain

and then the anger takes me
breaks me like a crystal
glass     shattered by the knowing

who am I to be so broken     who am I
to suffer so insanely     inanely
blaming everything and everyone
for hurt that drifts about
me like an ocean’s fog
thinning sometimes just enough
for me to see the light

it’s harsh and
blinding    the world unwinding
in its glare
there    I see the truth
I hide from    there I see
that I am so much more
than me
I feel     and know     and grope
for hope in a sullied world
inside the minds     the hearts    of every broken
soul      I weep for lives unlived   and promises
broken       for every token right
that cannot possibly undo    the wrongs

everything we knew of you
was gone     vanishing like smoke
Into a windy ski      your eyes vague
unfocused      your hands   bony
cold     even the scent of you
morphed into something musty and old
unpleasant     the way your head moved
on the pillow      as though you were trying
to repudiate the truth

life ends standing
on the edge of death you
were no longer you    just a shadow
cast by shadows    the arrogance   the anger
spilled into the soil of your days
desiccated by the dry summer and crusty
fall   now it is winter and there is
nowhere to run     nowhere to hide

tears spill down your crinkled cheeks
like blood from a small wound     dying tests
you   bests you    and you who raged your way
through life die quietly
before my eyes

and so     I hide inside myself
pretending
that I never knew
that which is unalterably true
you are me and I      am you

Susan A. Katz

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