Poet Lady Katz: new forum comment on Dawn

New comment from Susan Katz

Sorry it took me a while to get back to this. I would like to offer a few suggestions that I think might elevate the flow, meaning, and emotional intensity of your poem. First, check your tenses and your grammar. There are some things in the poem that simply do not work because they are either the wrong tense or, they are grammatically incorrect.
The following is an example of one possible way to edit your poem: (this slant line / indicates where I believe there should be a line break) BTW, I would remove punctuation and just let the poem flow…

Bells have rung

Sun now sets, (Sun sets fading/ into the orange depths of – what – the cloudless sky, the evening sky, the deepening sky???)

Fades into the orange depths

Cries I hear, silent roars (It is not clear what/who is crying – clarify that – I hear my cries roaring/ filling
my core…}

Whispers brutal fill my core.

I think you need to bring the poem into the present tense and be sure to "fill out" your images – leaving, of course, something to our imagination but, painting pictures for us that we can see, feel, taste, touch, and smell. You have the substance of a very good poem here and I would be happy to see it again after you've had time to do some editing.
Your friend in poetry, Susan


Original Post by Being_oasis


<p> </p>
<p>Bells have rung,</p>
<p>Sun  now sets,</p>
<p>Fades into the orange depths</p>
<p>Cries I hear, silent roars</p>
<p>Whispers brutal fill my core.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s the heart, you must know</p>
<p>Groaning pain it went through</p>
<p>No sounds, mouth shut</p>
<p>Didn’t let them hear</p>
<p>Being the smile they would want to cheer</p>
<p>Will they buy this façade?</p>
<p>Or will barge in asking questions sour</p>
<p> </p>
<p>O’ you the friend</p>
<p>Who could just see</p>
<p>Things I should not to the bees</p>
<p>Even though I tried to keep</p>
<p>Worries that would otherwise peep</p>
<p>But that simply gorgeous slip</p>
<p>Did let you know my secret scars</p>
<p>Did let you know that teary part</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Since you left for the open road</p>
<p>To a big man in the mortal dorm</p>
<p>To carve your name in the wild storm</p>
<p>To be the kid your mum would want</p>
<p>I know you cried, and I did too</p>
<p>Treacherous world parted us in two.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I still remember those cute days</p>
<p>My stupid jokes, and your laughing face</p>
<p>Hours of talk, and those summer race</p>
<p>How I would beat you in your games</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Oh so far we’ve come along</p>
<p>Distances between us have so much grown</p>
<p>Now I sit with memories frail</p>
<p>Penning voices, cannot inhale</p>
<p>O’ heavenly string hold us close</p>
<p>Let these tear drops fuel you more.</p>
<p>                                                              -Mohammad Owais</p>

comment made on…

<p>Thank you for sharing your poetry with me.  I am a little rushed today, so will spend some time with the poem tomorrow, and get back to you with comments and suggestions.  I would just say now, there are some fine moments in the poem and it is filled with a true and intense emotion, that the reader feels.  Thank you for sharing – more to come… Susan</p>