[Susan Katz]

I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to respond to your very evocative and well written poem.  I have been in hospital and away from my computer, so this is the first I am seeing of your submission.

Your poem is tight, well-composed and offers us a very strong sense of the “tension” you speak of.  Good job.  And, thank you so very much for sharing it with me,  Susan

[Susan Katz]

This is very well written and invites us into your pain and your emotion.  I do have a few suggestions regarding editing (and editing, by the way, is when the poem is truly written.)  See my suggestions in parenthesis below:

In the script of life’s stage, I’m the jest,
A punchline scrawled by hands unsure, distressed.  (by hands, distressed – I’d remove “unsure”)
Dangling on the margins, on edges I tread,
Existence penned in a comedy where sadness is fed.

Unsteady hands sketch this bleak refrain,
My role, a punchline in life’s mocking domain. (another word for “punchline” as you’ve already used it – example – “an afterthought in life’s…)
Hanging on the precipice, teetering near, (onto the precipice…)
Each scene etched with a shadow, a tear. (with shadows and tears…)

Pages turn, yet my lines remain the same, (I’d remove, for rhythmic concerns, the words “the same”)
A tragicomedy, a soul steeped in shame.
In this tale, laughter echoes, piercing and loud,
My existence, a joke, lost in a sorrowful shroud. (not sure about “sorrowful” – it’s a clumsy word here and messes with the rhythm – and this is your ending, so you want it to be powerful, memorable.  Possible other words “mournful shroud” – “blinding shroud” – “humbling shroud” – “unbearable shroud…”)

The poem is powerful and well written, as I said – and these are just suggestions – dismiss them if they don’t feel right.  Thank you so much for sharing your work with me.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

 

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sharing your poem with me.  There is a lot that works here and some very fine moments as you move through the poem.  I particularly like:

A grim face
A horror smile
The darkness swallows me whole
I have lost all control

My main suggestion would be to tighten the poem by eliminating unnecessary words.  In poetry, less is more – for example:  “A grim face

/ horror smile /darkness swallows me whole / I have lost control…”

You definitely have everything you need here for a very powerful poem.  As with all writing, the fun part is writing – the hard part, is editing.  Would love to see it again, if you choose to do some editing.  Again, thank you so much for sharing with me.  I love receiving new poems that enrich my day.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you so very much for sharing your poetry with me.  Your poem has a strong presence and some powerful lines (

As the sea bashes it’s head

Against the shore before a hurricane

There is strong imagery here and in some of your other lines as well.  If I were to offer an editing suggestion, it would be to go back through the poem, removing all words that are not necessary to the power, purpose, and flow of the poem.

Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thanks so much for sharing this very heartfelt poem with me.  I wonder if “build a shield” is not “be a shield…”  You definitely engage the reader and transmit your feelings – which, of course, is what poetry is all about.  My only other suggestion would be to go through the poem and see if there are words that could be removed.  In poetry, less is more…

Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

I am always delighted to "meet" people who share my love of creative expression. In a world of darkness – the arts are the light. Please feel free to share at any time – I'm always happy to offer whatever insights I can. What your poem has is what poetry is all about – honest, heartfelt emotion. Wishing you a beautifully creative day, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Good morning and thank you for sharing your poem with me.  What I think is:  It is filled with emotions – struggling to understand themselves – it is filled with a kind of emotional awe at discovering how intensely one can feel – it is filled with some very fine lines:

dreaming whilst living,  (dreaming while living)

the potential of a cold cup of coffee (I would leave off
the potential of” and just go with “a cold cup of coffee” – in poetry it is always better to give the reader a chance to interpret what you’re saying/feeling – rather than telling them)

waking up warm in the sunlight  (I very much like this – becoming the sunlight – not sure about becoming the cup of coffee)

(in which you are the sun,…)

Emotions are messy, especially when they are in control – which it sounds like they are from the tone and intensity of the poem.  I think with a little work, editing, you will have a fine poem that expresses some very relatable emotions.  Again, thank you so much for sharing with me.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Mostly, the problems with the poem have to do with grammar – not feeling and emotion – which is what poetry is all about. Please see my suggestions below…

every now and then

I stare at the blank (I stare at the blank page)

wondering off somewhere (I would take out "somewhere")

My mind tackling (My mind wrestling with – or something like that -knots)

Unknown knots i have there (knots that lock away my poetry… or something like that)
Susan
Poetry comes to us when it's ready – be patient! Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

I am just seeing this now as I have been traveling and will, later today, offer suggestions on your work. It is truly my pleasure, as I love "meeting" people – even long distance – who share my love of poetry, and my need to write it.

[Susan Katz]

Thank you so much for sending me your poem.  I can truly appreciate the feelings your poem expresses and relate to them.  There have been times in my life when words simply would not compose themselves onto the page – no matter how hard I tried.  Over the years, I came to accept this as part of the writing process.  Just like a farmer’s field needs time to rest between harvests, so does the writer’s mind. 

I think you have expressed your feelings passionately in your poem.  Let me know if you’d like me to go through it and make some suggestions.  But again, thank you for sharing – and thank you, as well, for sharing my passion for poetry.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

 

 

[Susan Katz]

Good morning, Riya – I have tried to email you, but am not sure my emails are going through.  I just wanted to let you know that your passion, purpose, and intensely felt emotions are all beautifully on display in this wonderful piece of writing.  While there are some moments when grammar falters, the feelings you wish to convey come through like a wild wind on an open prairie.  We feel your words as well as understand them.  And truly, feeling is what poetry – fine writing – is all about.  Thank you so very much for sharing this with me.  And I do apologize if you did not receive my earlier response.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

 

[Susan Katz]

I am just seeing this now. So sorry to have missed it but, had some computer issues and it has taken me a while to catch up on everything. I'm not sure how connecting with me on Instagram will make it easier but, we can give it a try – if you like. I will warn you, I am a poet and as such, have spent very little time addressing the technology issue and so, am not particularly good at it. But, we can give it a try. Again, please forgive the delay in my response. – Susan

[Susan Katz]

I responded to this poem. You did not send an email so the only way I can respond is through the chat room. I hope you get this. Susan

[Susan Katz]

Riya Jaiswal

20 hours ago

 

Good Morning Riya – please see my comments below.  By the way, if you would send your poems, via email, please include your email address and I can do my edits and comments there – if that is what you prefer. 

 

I would like to mention that I like your format – no caps – no punctuation – just a flow of thought – it works well.

 

never have i ever

meant the words i

wrote to call it poetry (and instead of to – wrote and called it poetry – “to” seems a little out of place)

stars waited patiently for me (lovely and nice use of enjambment – have your line end meaning one thing and then connect with the next line, to mean something additional)

to rip open my heart and (don’t need the “and” – in poetry, less is more – if you can take a word out – do so)

cry tears of blood

but i sat motionless (I would just say “motionless I stared” next line “into the abyss)

staring in abyss

 

stars never made me feel

heard the way you did (nice)

 

never have i ever (I know it rhymes but it is a bit overused “never have I ever” so I would just go with “never have I truly / next line – met – your eyes? – I don’t understand “met my eyes…”)

truly met my eyes

after you walked away

smile never reached my eyes (smile’s’ never reached my eyes…)

for they were too far away (for they were – I would take out “too far away” as we know that from previous lines – also,  a word here that describes the “search”

searching for yours (searching for the light in the eyes – the response – the love>)

my image looked (I looked prettier in your hazel eyes)

prettier in your hazel eyes

 

mirrors never made me feel

seen the way you did (very nice)

 

never have i ever (again, I would be wary of “never have I ever:)

let earth kiss my soles

after you left tingles in my bones

sun’s golden arms lay outstretch (outstretched)

to bask blessings upon my head (basking blessings on my head – take out “to”)

but i stand still like melted wax ( I melt like wax)

in memory of flame that (love this line)

once ignited warmth within (don’t think you need the “within”)

on moonless nights

 

hugs never made me feel (This confuses me a bit – isn’t it hugs and love and connection that you are talking about?  So what hug does not make you feel embraced?  I think these two lines – the ones that need to leave us with your messagge and the intent of the poem – need a bit of clarification.  You have a strong, powerful, well-written poem – it just needs, as all poems do – some revision.  The poem that went out in my newsletter yesterday, when I reread it in the newsletter, told me it too needed revision and so, I will be doing a newsletter one of these weeks, addressing revision, editing and using that poem as an example.  As with most things in life, there always ways to improve them.  Happy writing!)

embraced the way you did

[Susan Katz]

Thanks so much for sharing your poem with me.  I find it to be powerful and filled with the essence of what poetry is about – feeling – emotion – imagery and some lovely rhymes.  I have had a hectic day and do not have the time to offer you my insights, at the moment but, will be back in touch tomorrow.  Thank you again for sharing this fine poem with me, Susan

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