[Susan Katz]

Good Morning and thank you for sharing another poem with me.  Please see my thoughts below:

 

Have nothing in cold snowy winter
Let’s wrap up to each other (Let’s wrap up “in” to each other or “into”…)
Nothing is going to warm me
Let me subside into your pious soul. (Let me “slip” into your  pious soul – and question – will that warm you?  If so, than your previous line needs to reflect that…)

I offered nothing to God in wish, because (Do we “offer” wishes or is there a better word?  I would take out the “because” it is not necessary in poetry and seems to get in the way of the natural flow of the poem.)
My wish walks side-by-side to me. (with me)

Make me your deep secret diary
Express your solitude and felicity upon it (don’t need “upon it”)
Make me your soaked handkerchief
I’ll wipe out your fallen pearly tears. (I’ll “soak up” your…)

You might be unaware of my nights (You might be unaware my nights / string the pearls of scattered tears – beautiful lines!!!)
String the pearls of scattered tears.

The poem is really well written and I love your ending.  Just a few suggestions you may consider or discard.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Good Morning Fahad Khalique and thank you so very much for sharing your poem with me.  I love your sentiment – I love how you “speak” to poetry and how you revive the old masters and their voices.

I might suggest bringing the poem into the present tense – using “can” instead of “could.”  That makes it seem immediate and we picture you with pen in hand or at your computer, trying to compose the poem – now, this very minute.  I would also suggest that you go through the poem and if there is a place where a word is not necessary, remove it.  Example:

Though I’m neither Keats nor Shelley
But I crave to go beyond them in imagination. ( I crave to pass them in imagination – or – I crave to go beyond their imaginations…)

In poetry, today at least, less is more.  Again, thanks so much for sharing and do please keep on writing – find that imagination and let it flow onto the page.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

 

[Susan Katz]

Hope you've been able to use the lessons in a positive way. Do hope to see more of your work in the future.

[Susan Katz]

Sorry for the delay in saying – You are so welcome!!!

[Susan Katz]

Very nice. Please forgive the delay in my response – dealing with a fracture in my back making time at the computer difficult. Hoping to put this all behind me soon. In the meantime – good job. See below for just a couple more suggestions… And do send more when you get the chance – I would love to read your work, Susan

Dreams

a part of living
fantasy fused with reality (fusing with reality)
thoughts igniting reverie forming
imagery in my mind (images in my mind)
they make ordinary things (making ordinary things)
shine I look in wonder
and put pen to paper (don't need the "and")
illuminating
colorful, vanishing vapors slipping (colors instead of "coloring"?)
away on a string (Love your ending!)
of dreams…

[Susan Katz]

You are so welcome. This troubled world could very much benefit from the words spoken from your poet's heart. I appreciate your trust in me and look forward to reading more of your work. Your friend in Poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you so much Fahad Khalique, for sharing this very powerfully imagined poem.  I have noticed some grammatical errors and also some spelling errors but, the poem gets its message across.  I can feel the passion and the need to speak your truth. 

I very much like the stanza below – you make some very distinct and emotional statements and I would like to just offer a few suggestions on how I think the stanza (and the poem) might benefit from a bit of editing.  See my suggestions in parenthesis below:

 

Remember, this is a post-truth era (I would remove the comma and just say – “Remember this ‘the’ post-truth era…”)
Where lie lies on the tongue of justice (Where lies lie on the tongue of justice – I love this line!!!)
And truth suffocates into the hands of lady justice (I might just say that “truth suffocates” and not use lady justice or justice again.)
Sympathy and forgiveness find no shelter (I would remove the “and” – sympathy forgiveness find no shelter…)
Peace and harmony are extinct (You might want to say “Peace and harmony ‘go’ extinct”)

I think you should be very proud of the passion, purpose, and poetic technique that you have put into this poem.  Thank you so much for sharing with me, Susan

 

[Susan Katz]

Hello again. Since your poem is rather a long one, I will select one stanza and make some suggestions that, I believe. could be applied in the editing process, throughout the poem.

First if all, in poetry, less is more -in other words if you don't absolutely need a word then don't use it. Also, be aware of grammar and other poetic possibilities (below…)

Now i sit with memories frail (Don't need "now" – just "I sit…")

Traveller of this desolate mze ("mze" is not a word – clarify – "traveler" not "traveller")

Battles inside grows so loud (Is there another way to say this – more poetic – less words – like "Battles inside intensify… and then you have a nice little slant rhyme)

Save me from this fire wild (How about breaking the line after "fire"creating a bit of enjambment…)

Mute I am, only teary smiles (I would forget the punctuation and just create this in a free form style – letting the words run, one into the other,,,) (I wonder if here you might consider adding some words to create a kind of rhythm – ("Mute I am only tears /(line break) – I am only smiles…")

Mute I am, only teary smiles ( And then perhaps, repeat for your ending – "I am only tear-streaked smiles…"

I hope my few suggestions (and they are just that – please feel free to disregard them – are helpful.

Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for submitting your emotional and well written poem.  I’m afraid today has been a bit hectic and I don’t want to give you just a quick response so, I will go over your poem tomorrow, in depth, and offer some suggestions.  You have some lovely lines and you have the emotional soul of a poet – that is both felt and understood.

Thank you for sharing your work with me and, thank you for your patience, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Good afternoon.  Have you checked out my lessons here at https://www.poetladykatz.com  – also, many of my newsletters deal with poetry issues (also accessible on the site – as well as prompts.)  If you have a poem you would like to send it, please post it here and I will be happy to give you some editorial feedback.

Thank you for reaching out to me.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

 

[Susan Katz]

So sorry for the delay in getting back to you. Been a hectic couple of days.

First, thank you for sharing your work with me.  Your poem, has a certain power to it – an edgy quality that I really like.  It is, I believe, more than an “OK” poem. 

I do have a few suggestions for possible edits – see below:

Run, run, run (Is it “run” or “running”?)
With my vision blurred (vision blurred)
Teary eyed
Run and hide in motion (Don’t know if you need “run” again – remember, that in poetry, less is more – if you can say something in two words – don’t use four…)  (Perhaps the line might work as “hiding in motion…”)
Oh when did it all go sideways ( can you find a quicker, more powerful way to say this – “falling sideways…”)
My skin is intact and my insides are twisted (“Skin in tact    insides twisted)
I’m arranged in disarray (this is great! – but, do you need “I’m”)
I’ll hold my lungs (“holding my lungs”)
And watch my legs crumble (“watching my legs crumble”)
And as I move
And hope to disappear (“hoping to disappear”)
I’ll do it all alone. (“I’m doing it     alone”)

You’ve said it all – and we feel what you’re telling us – these suggestions (just suggestions – feel free to disregard) are intended to confine the poem to the rules of poetry.  Well done and again, thank you so much for sharing with me, Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Delightful poem.  I very much like the way you “personalize” smiles – giving them a personality.  I particularly like the imagery in this stanza. 

I know an independent person

Who beautifully expands her cheeks,

Like a group of fireflies

Permeating golden glow,

Wide curves along lips

Breath taking indeed!

As always, I truly appreciate you sharing your work with me.  Have a beautiful day!!! – Susan

 

[Susan Katz]

Good Sunday morning and thank you for sharing your poem with me,  I’m delighted you were inspired to write it by a prompt on the site.  The poem is well written and has some lovely moments.  I will make a few suggestions (please feel free to ignore them) that address the poetic truth, that less is more.  In other words, if a word is not absolutely necessary to the poem, don’t include it.  See my suggestions below…  BTW this / indicates a line break)

Dreams 

Are a part of living  (Remove “Are” – just go with Dreams / a part of living)

Fantasy fused with reality  (fantasy fusing with reality)

Thoughts igniting reverie (thoughts igniting reverie forming /)

Forming pictures in my mind (perhaps another more visual word for pictures – like visions or illusions…)

They make ordinary things shine (making ordinary things/)

Everyday I look in wonder (shine        I look in wonder)

And put pen to paper (put pen to paper)

Trying to bring to life (shepherding – conveying – fetching – to life colorful /)

Colorful, vanishing vapors ( vanishing vapors – colorful vanishing vapors slipping)

Slipping away on a string (away on a string)

Of dreams (of dreams…)

Very well done – just a thought – ditch the punctuation and the capitalization – just go with lower case – we don’t dream “grammatically” – we dream –  poetically.

Would love to see it again, after you’ve had time to consider my edits and perhaps apply some of your own.  I will be happy to feature it one day either as poem of the week, or in the Art in to Art section on my site.

Your friend in poetry,

Susan

 

 

[Susan Katz]

Well done! I might take that last "the" out and just go with –
"Love is the aftermath of storm…" Also, I might put "You" on a line all by itself and possibly – not give away the ending in the title – just calling the poem "Love is…"
So:
Love is
you
holding me tight
after my tears abate

Do you want to use "stops" twice in the same line? Is there another word – like "ends" or "ceases" or "diminishes…"
As a poet, I know that a poem is never really finished as we always go back, reread our work and think – I could have said that better. Sometimes, when I'm looking at one of my books, I'm wishing I could change a word here or there. Your poem is good! Maybe let this one rest a while and move onto another, and then come back to this one. I look forward to reading more of your work. – Susan

[Susan Katz]

Good morning, and thank you for sharing your “love”ly poem with me.  I think it is very well written, has an inviting rhythm and perhaps, could benefit from just a few little edits.  Please see my suggestions below…

 

Love is the Aftermath of the Storm (I would remove “the” – “Love is the Aftermath of Storm”)

Love is

When you hold me tight after my tears have abated(I would remove “when” and just go with “Love is / you holding me tight after my tears have abated…)

When the sky stops crying and the wind stops the trees from shaking (I would end the line after “stops” and then go on to the next line – creating what we call enjambment – a very effective poetic technique)

And the earth is moist and green(I might use :when here, instead of “And” creating a nice echoing of your previous lines)

Love is the silence that softly soothes the stricken scene(Love is silence softly soothing the stricken scene…)

It needs no words to start the healing of a heart storm torn(It needs no words to heal the heart…)

Love is when the crash is past in the (This line doesn’t make grammatical sense – I might just go with – Love is the aftermath of storm…)

Aftermath of the storm

Remember that in poetry, less is more.  If you can find a way to say something in five words, don’t use ten – and, while repetition is often effective, sometimes, it gets in the way of the poem’s message and passion.  This is essentially, a fine poem.  Well done!  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Author]

Posts