[Susan Katz]

Good morning, and thank you for sharing your poem with me.  I do believe you have some fine moments in this short poem and am happy to offer some suggestions.

1. You’re a Beach  (Is this meant to be the title?  Also, am unsure of why there is a 1. / 2. -? – Also, if the image is “You’re – and I would prefer “you are” – a beach, then “you rise with the tide seems confusing – the beach doesn’t rise with the tide – the ocean does.  So, maybe, the image is “you are a beach devoured or diminished, by the tide…)

2. You rise with the tide

   You’re a gentle and smooth ride (Don’t know if you need “You’re” again as we know who you are talking to – or that you are talking to one specific person. In poetry “less is more” – in other words, find just the right words, put them in the best possible order – and depend on imagery – metaphor and simile – to get your message and feelings across to the reader.)

   You’ve so much deep and unexplored (again – don’t know if you need “You’ve so much” – which is, by the way, grammatically incorrect – you are so deep and unexplored might work better.)

   You take me to a sparkling shore (nice)

   The water’s blue like your eyes (Don’t need “the” – just go with “water’s blue like your eyes / your hair glides like an ocean wave /  your skin is (image here – coarse/soft/restless/inviting…)

   Your hair’s an ocean wave’s glide 

   Your skin is like the sea swept sand (do you want to use the same image – the sand – again?  Perhaps – your skin in like the wind that sweeps the sand – your skin is the sand in the aftermath of storm… – something that makes this image unique to the poem.)

   The sun is the warm touch of your hand (This is lovely.  A perfect ending.) You certainly have a fine sense of what poetry is and there are some very “inviting” moments in your poem.  I think, with a little work, you will have a very soft and engaging poem.  I would like to invite you to check out some of my lessons here at http://www.poetladykatz – perhaps they could answer some questions you have about poetry.  Please feel free to send me an edited version and shoot some questions at me, if you like.  Again, thank you for sharing.  You’re friend in poetry,
   Susan

[Susan Katz]

Sorry it took me a while to get back to this. I would like to offer a few suggestions that I think might elevate the flow, meaning, and emotional intensity of your poem. First, check your tenses and your grammar. There are some things in the poem that simply do not work because they are either the wrong tense or, they are grammatically incorrect.
The following is an example of one possible way to edit your poem: (this slant line / indicates where I believe there should be a line break) BTW, I would remove punctuation and just let the poem flow…

Bells have rung

Sun now sets, (Sun sets fading/ into the orange depths of – what – the cloudless sky, the evening sky, the deepening sky???)

Fades into the orange depths

Cries I hear, silent roars (It is not clear what/who is crying – clarify that – I hear my cries roaring/ filling
my core…}

Whispers brutal fill my core.

I think you need to bring the poem into the present tense and be sure to "fill out" your images – leaving, of course, something to our imagination but, painting pictures for us that we can see, feel, taste, touch, and smell. You have the substance of a very good poem here and I would be happy to see it again after you've had time to do some editing.
Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sharing your poetry with me.  I am a little rushed today, so will spend some time with the poem tomorrow, and get back to you with comments and suggestions.  I would just say now, there are some fine moments in the poem and it is filled with a true and intense emotion, that the reader feels.  Thank you for sharing – more to come… Susan

[Susan Katz]

Delightful!  Thank you for sharing,  – Susan

[Susan Katz]

I really like this poem.  I like the message.  I like the way you “spin” your story through a series of beautifully crafted images: “…

sometimes she blotted them grey

her tears kissed the earth

leaving behind her scent and bow

people called it rain…”

Each of your images works and creates a beautiful “picture” for us, a lovely reality that we can connect with (sunset, rain, sunrise, night sky) – well done.  I would like to feature this poem in my “Poem of the Week” section, in about three weeks.  Let me know if that would work for you.  I have been working on a poem and newsletter that deals with “The People I Love” – and I think this poem would fit beautifully into that theme.

Thank you so much for sharing this lovely poem with me,

Susan

 

 

 

[Susan Katz]

Thank you so much for sharing your poetry with me.  I will respond to each poem, individually.  There are some lovely moments in this poem and, the intensity of your message shines through.  Just a couple of things to consider… in poetry, “less is more” and, simple words seem to work better than “grand” ones.  Having said that, I feel the emotion and I am moved by your words.  – Susan

[Susan Katz]

Hi Sarah, I am so sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your beautiful, well-written, emotionally meaningful poem.  We have been experiencing technical difficulties and the site would not let me respond – but, here I am – thanks to my genius tech guy – he found me away around the problem, for the moment.  I have only some small suggestions –

I love you the way you might not love me (you might want to use line break to your advantage here, and break the line after “might” and then, consider using “ever”loved me or, “be able” to love me – and then, I would end the poem with “blood” – “stilled” is a bit confusing.)

Since i wrote it in blood, stilled

This is a truly lovely poem, written with the heart and soul of a poet.  Thank you so very much for sharing it with me.  And again, my apologies in the delay of this response.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Sorry for the delay in responding to your submission.  The holidays really mess up schedules!

Your poem is truly well written and creates a mood and expresses your feelings through some lovely images.  I would suggest that “beath” be replaced by simply saying “by”  “If by a blade…” for example.  I know you are going for a classical touch, but not sure it works with that particular word.

Really good job – well written – and captures the imagination.  Write on –

Susan

[Susan Katz]

Good morning and thank you for sharing your poem with me.  You have some beautiful lines and the mood and flow of the poem is lovely.  I do think you could tighten it and add to the rhythmic flow of the poem and I’ve made a few suggestions alongside the lines, below.

The suggestions are just that – please consider them or reject them as you feel best – there are, as I’ve said, some very moving and meaningful moments in this poem and I am delighted you shared it with me.

Your friend in poetry, Susan

Driving through the long journey

To see the dusk wrapping the sun (would omit “the”)

To give way for the (I think you might want to extend the image of the line before…”To see dusk wrapping the sun / in shadows making way for the vibrant moon…”)

vibrant moon

Is what a God creation is….

 

The stretch of golden canvas 

With a touch of colours cloud has (touched by a “rainbow” or other descriptive word here –  of colors) (clouds roam as if they want to cover – not sure what ‘the journey” means in this context)

Just roaming like if it wants to cover the journey

Is what a God creation is…

 

The touch of golden rays on those traveller (Golden rays touch travelers / capturing what? – as a poet I keep thinking this / is what God’s creation is)

Makes it more attractive to capture

And me as a poet keep on thinking

Is what God creation is…

 

 

[Susan Katz]

Thanks for sending – this has some wonderfully powerful moments and builds dramatically to a very intriguing ending.  If I may offer a suggestion – try to create your images (and your drama) with the best possible words, in the best possible order.  Unnecessary words just dilute the impact you are going for.  Example:

Only the floor was cemented  (only the floor cemented / with cracks so there would be / grass to play with / food in tin cans -don’t know if you need to say that cans were iron too – and actually, I’m not sure they are iron – perhaps “tin?”)

though with cracks so I’d always have grass to play with

the food, came in tin cans, which were iron too,

 

Though… iron walls sound pleasant when it rains, (Don’t, I think, need the “though” – just “irons walls sound – another word or image for pleasant – when it rains: – this is a lovely image – one that recalls memories, I think, for everyone.)

Really well done and well written.  Thank you so much for sharing it with me.  And, may I wish you a very happy, creative new year, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you so much for sharing your poem with me.  You have some very fine lines in this poem – I particularly liked – “Darkness takes leave & Shadow can’t see…”  You have a great deal of emotion (and faith) in this poem, which comes through to the reader.  I would suggest you check your grammar as some moments in the poem don’t seem to translate well into English and some words may not mean what you want them to – example: “Passing his paint of hollow.”  I don’t honestly know what that means or what the image might be.

I would also suggest that you reread your poem out loud – and if there are moments when you stumble, so will the reader.  In poetry, less is more, so, if a word or words are not needed or, are repetitive, you might consider removing them and rewriting the lines(s).

There are truly, some very fine moments in this poem and there is no doubt that the feelings and emotions you are feeling, are gifted to the reader.  Perhaps you would consider sending the poem again after you’ve had a chance to do some editing.

Again, my thanks for sharing with me and, may I wish you a very Happy, Healthy, Creative New Year, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Comfort
1 day ago

If this be windows to your soul (Do you want multiple windows – or just one window to the soul?)

Darling, your house is flooded,

Cracks on the walls covered by portraits distract gazing eyes, (this is really strong – how about removing punctuation and letting the poem flow like a stream of consciousness?)

A room once for your inner child, now darkened with your younger self hiding under the blanket,

Hues of the paint losing its illuminance, (luminescence)

Your door sealed with locks, none, not even the locksmiths could open, (I would leave it at none can open – and not include the locksmiths)

Your tap drips timely, a gentle reminder of the leaks you have not fixed, (not sure what "tap drips timely" means)

Floors soaked; how long can your house bare the weight? (bear – not bare)

What once was a temple, now ravished by demons and lost souls… your lost soul.

If this be windows to your soul (I would make it "the" window)

Darling, your windows are tinted.

I do love the way you slip in that "Darling"at the end – you might want to see if there are places where you feel you could "tighten" the poem as it seems to me it should be like a closed fist – it's tough and speaks with conviction. In poetry, less it more, so the tighter a poem, the more impact it has. Really well done, well written poem. I hope my few suggestions help. – Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sharing.  This is a powerful poem with some really wonderful moments.  I do think that the emotion, the sensibility you are trying to share, comes through beautifully.  I don’t have the time today, but would love to make some editing suggestions – point out a couple of typos – and, perhaps, once the poem finds its final self, publish it on a “Poem of the Week” post, after the New Year.  Also, it would be helpful, if you would resend to poetlady@earthlink.net and put in your own email address (which will remain private – if you only send as an email) so that I am reminded to work on it and, we have an easy back and forth conversation.

This is really good work.  Have a beautiful, creative day.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

What a lovely “picture” of the holiday.  Gentle, like a lazy snowfall – with beautiful references to that which is most meaningful about this holiday season.  Thank you so much for sharing.  I think we all need to take a deep breath and remember how to just embrace the beauty of the season.  Your poem reminds us of that.  – Susan

[Susan Katz]

Hi Sarah,

What you are experiencing is common to almost all poets, writers, play-writers – we all have those moments when words or lines are in our head, but refuse to come together in a cohesive way upon the page.  What I have always done is write down the lines as they come – don’t worry about their being a part of a poem – just capture the words, the lines and put them away for another day.  Many times, when I have been going through a “dry spell” I jot down the lines that pop into my head and then discover, when I am writing whole poems again, those lines find a place into my poems or, become the inspiration for a poem.  If you must judge something – judge the quality of your writing – set standards for your poems – requiring that they possess imagery, meaningful line breaks, rhythm, occasional rhyme, hyperbole – all of the elements that make poetry, poetry.  Perhaps you should look at this as a good thing.  Writing is a bit like farming – you prepare the ground, you plant your crop, you nurture it, harvest it and then, let the fields go fallow – fertilizing them and enriching them.  It is, I think, like that with poetry – a time to harvest and a time to enrich the “soil.”  I hope this helps.  I think I can guarantee you that the poems are there – waiting to be harvested.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

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