[Susan Katz]

This is a very “tasty” poem!  Some very fine images and some “delicious” ones too.  There are some truly lovely images here – I think your last stanza, starting with “embracing the space between us…” was very fine writing.  Thank you for sharing your work with me.  – Susan

[Susan Katz]

Hi Comfort, I got your email with your poem, but cannot respond as you did not put in your email address.  If you resend with your email address, I can offer some suggestions.  – Susan

[Susan Katz]

Good afternoon, Comfort.  There is certainly power and purpose in this poem.  Some great lines and some fine moments – for example:  “you’ve become nothing to everyone and everything to everyone…”  “

your mind has become a theatre,

death upon death, prewritten, you, your own executioner,”

I won’t make any particular suggestions except to say – “less is more” in poetry.  In other words, if you can say something in three words, don’t use five.  Try to find the most compact and powerful way of saying what you want us to know, to feel -using imagery (metaphor and simile) using alliteration, enjambment, hyperbole, rhyme and rhythm will help “translate” your poem into a tighter, more impactful poem.  There is power is your poetic voice – now, if you work on technique, you will have one very fine poem.  Thank you again, for sharing your work with me.  Have a lovely weekend, Susan 

[Susan Katz]

I would only make one suggestion.  Your last line might be more powerful, and poetic, if it were to read – “The key to my castle to you (line break) “I surrender.”  Your poems are well written, emotionally compelling and engaging.  I am delighted that you have chosen to share them with me.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

 

no title

PLEASE SEE MY COMMENTS BELOW – I DECIDED TO DO THEM RIGHT HERE.

… and so, they asked. (I would add … to let us know the thought goes on…)

And such like a flower blooming, I opened and showed them my truth, (I would remove “and such” – just go with “like a flower…”_

I become a glass house, parts of me hanged, windows shattered with stains of blood that served as a warning not to seek to see yourself in the reflection of I, for I am shattered. (It should be either (I have become or I became a glass house.. parts of my hung – you could remove “that served as: and just go to “a warning…”)

Tears fell for the first time that wasn’t from the wiping of the belts or from a fist that was meant to be a hand that cradles me, (Is that supposed to be “whipping” of the belts? and I would remove “from” and just go to “a fist:)

And as my lips sealed,

The silence echoed, and in that moment… in that moment I’d hoped home wouldn’t just shelter my body but maybe it might shelter my heart too. (You don’t need the “the” at the beginning of the line – the line could be tightened to read “silence echoed/line break/ in that moment/ in that moment I’d hope home would not just shelter/ my body but my heart too”)

‘’disappointment” (disappointed?)

“Disrespectful” (disrespected?)

“ungrateful”

how I wish my lips had never spoken, had never opened, had never shown a part of me that needs your understanding, do you understand how I… (“had never shown ‘that’ part of me that needs your understanding… )  I am a little confused by where this ends – could you perhaps fill it out just a bit more?

This poem, as I said before, is powerful, emotional, and I am hoping just a poem, not a telling of your life.  If it is a cry for help – please let me know. 

You have talent and I am hoping to continue to work with you.  I am hoping that when you have finished working on this poem, we can publish it on my site as Poem of the Week, at a future date.

Your friend in poetry, Susan

 

 

 

 

[Susan Katz]

Please see my comments and suggestions, to this version of your poem, in your email.

no title
… and so, they asked.
And such like a flower blooming, I opened and showed them my truth,
I become a glass house, parts of me hanged, windows shattered with stains of blood that served as a warning not to seek to see yourself in the reflection of I, for I am shattered.
Tears fell for the first time that wasn’t from the wiping of the belts or from a fist that was meant to be a hand that cradles me,
And as my lips sealed,
The silence echoed, and in that moment… in that moment I’d hoped home wouldn’t just shelter my body but maybe it might shelter my heart too.
‘’disappointment”
“Disrespectful”
“ungrateful”
how I wish my lips had never spoken, had never opened, had never shown a part of me that needs your understanding, do you understand how I…

[Susan Katz]

Hi Comfort – thanks for sending again – and let me assure you, I will, this time, make some suggestions that I think will elevate your work into the realm of real, honest, heartfelt, and powerful poetry. I am in the midst of some other things at the moment but please know, I will be back in touch within the next 24 hours with my editing suggestions. Your work has really touched me!

[Susan Katz]

This is an incredibly powerful and emotionally compelling piece of writing.  I hesitate to make any suggestions, edits that would bring it more into the realm of poetry, as that may not be your intention.  Let me just say, it moved me, it touched me, and you have managed to convey your feelings and your “experiences” in a very meaningful way.  Let me know if you are interested in editing suggestions and, thank you so much for sharing your work with me, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Good Sunday morning, Swetha,  Your poem has so many fine moments but, I think you could bring it to an even more meaningful place with a few edits.  Please see my suggestions (just suggestions) below…

 

I am here (I am here looking – by bringing “looking” to this first line, you have used the poetic technique – enjambment – and I think it works well here)

Looking at the dandelions, ( I would omit the “the” and just say “looking at dandelions)

Pollens waltz in air,  (their “pollen waltzing in air…”)

Bright and beautiful, (“bright” as ? – “beautiful” as ?_

Taking off in a flight! (“taking flight slowly…”)

Slow yet elegant, (elegantly one…)

One after another, (after another flying to…)

Taking off to fly away, (distant lands)

To distant land, facing exquisite emotions! (If you want to tell us they are feeling “exquisite emotions” could you do so with an image instead of just telling us?)

A slow journey, (a slow journey taking them…)

Makes them face the world better. (I think you need a stronger ending here.  It’s more than just “facing” the world, it’s surviving in the world, multiplying and sustaining their species.)

Swetha, this is truly a fine poem and with a little work will be an extremely well-crafted poem, using poetic techniques. I would love to see it again after you’ve had time to work on it.  And by the way, I would love to see this poem flow – like a butterfly – with no punctuation – no capitalization – just “free flight.”  Have a beautiful day and thank you so much for sharing your work with me.  This charming poem lifted my spirits on a gray and rainy day. – Susan

– Swetha.

[Susan Katz]

Thank you so much for sharing your poem with me.  There are some really fine moments and some lovely lines.  Two things I would mention, in poetry – less is more – and an image, rather than directly telling us, helps you achieve the drama and emotional impact your are looking for.  Please see my suggestions below.

 

These are the vows

I took in silence  (lovely)

To love you the way you came to me (don’t know if you need “to me”)

Rebirthed, the softest ray of sunshine (reborn rather than “rebirthed” which is not really correct)

And presently unwavering (don’t need “and”)

 

These are the songs i sung

At the sight of Twilight- (don’t need “-“)

The stars unthanked for but twinkling (“unthanked” is not really a word – can you think of another? – don’t need “for”)

Days shifted to night, (how about we put it into the present tense – “days shift to night…”)

Only the candle’s torch chastising us (“chastises”)

Disregarded, the time spent hating

 

I promise to love you in peace

And to sow an oath indeed- (don’t need “indeed”)

Teach the soul- the ways of loving

In secrecy, in rebellion  (these two lines are lovely)

 

I love you with the knowledge of the dark (nice)

And that forevers are doomed (forever is)

Since the beginning

I love you the way you might not love me

Since i wrote it in blood, stilled (I would end the poem at “…you might not love me…”  – this is a bit overkill and ending with “:stilled” is a bit confusing.)

Overall, a really fine poem with some powerful moments and filled with energy, emotion, and intensity.  Would love to see it again after you’ve had time to do a bit of editing.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you so much, Dreamer, for sending me your poem “The Silent Night.”  It is certainly dark and very dramatic and you have some lovely visual images that run throughout the poem.  Lines like:

“Cold were the nights as they crept out of the cemeteries

in broken words, in shattered promises, in soulless echoes.”

and

“The rust on

the birthday knife shined darker in the quaintness of the night. (this should be “shone’ not “shined”)

And out to the winds did the dandelions fly. Catching fireflies,

hoping to light the path to her lonely cascade….”

If I were to suggest something to you, it would be – less is more in poetry – in other words, if you can say something in fewer words, using imagery (metaphor and simile) you are creating a poem that takes the reader to the destination you have in mind, more effectively.  If prose is an open hand, then poetry is a closed fist – it’s tight and it speaks eloquently in as few words as possible. One other thing – let the poem flow freely by limiting or, eliminating, punctuation.  Many contemporary poets have decided to use line breaks and spaces, instead of punctuation.  I do, in many of my poems. Having said all that, I would also say, your poem is filled with fine moments and sets the mood beautifully – dark and sad and lonely.  I would truly like to see it again, if you are interested in doing some editing.  And again, thank you so much for sharing your poetry with me.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

“…intertwine with you like vines…” is lovely both in the image and the rhyme.  Remembering “less is more” I might like to see some of the more “archaic” words removed from the poem and let it flow more naturally – example: “I know I have no wings to keep us in the ‘heights’ of love…  Not sure of the meaning of “nor plane with metal to hold us…”  You have talent – just try using more imagery and less words.  Sometimes “words” get in the way of the emotions we want the poem to spark – and we get hung up on trying to figure out what the poet is saying.  Also, check your grammar and tenses to make sure what you are saying translates into English and into what you truly want to say.  Look forward to seeing it again.  Thank you so much for sharing your work with me, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you so very much for sharing this incredibly powerful poem.  You tell a story that is both poignant and powerful, filled with a sense of sadness and loss.  You have put your heart and your soul into this poem and we, the reader, can feel it and are drawn in to your story.  If I were to offer one suggestion, from a poetic point of view, it would be to use less words and more images.  But truly, you have captured the essence and energy of poetry – making us feel – bringing us in to your past and making us a part of it.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sharing.  This is a delightful poem!  I like the journey you take us on and I loved your ending.  If I were to suggest anything, it would be to try to tighten and smooth our your rhymes.  While poetry, of course, need not rhyme, I understand your desire to tell your story in rhyme – it adds a kind of “poetic” emphasis.  The one place I think needs a little editing is:

to save her from another child

she knew this one was very wild!  (this line is a little off in “rhythm” – perhaps something like “fearing this one would be wild!”)  Just a suggestion.

Thank you so much for being a part of https://www.poetladykatz.com – and I look forward to seeing more of your work.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

You’ve tightened and heightened the intensity and the intent of the poem.  I will definitely be featuring your poem in the very near future.  Writing poetry is like planting a garden – the poem needs constant attention and “weeding” until it finally reaches its full potential.  You made great strides and did some fine editing.  I appreciate your trust in me and am delighted that you have shared your work.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

 

A kind of insanity plagues me

It wrecks and remakes me

Similar to the earth in the drought of time, hoarding the sea

Like the parched, dried-up river awaiting thee

Clear as nature’s unbiased  pain, weaved without heed  (in this context – “weaved”  should be “woven”)

Relief in the season’s breath ploughed bitter-sweet

I anticipate a storm birthing a seed

For there on the transient horizon

Is a phantom on the ocean’s breeze_ (I very much like this!)

[Author]

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