[Susan Katz]

I’m sorry it has taken me so long to reply to your very intense and meaningful poem.  I did want to tell you that you have some very fine, very bold moments here, and your message comes through loud and clear.  What I would like to suggest (please see suggestions alongside the lines below) is that you spend less time on rhyming and more time composing lines like:

Didn’t grow from the kid I was,

Making paper planes and paper boats, (you don’t need the “and” – in poetry “less is more”)

Still, dance under the thunder clouds (take out “still” and just go with “dancing” under thunder clouds – love this line!)

And jump on puddles, (“jumping” – whenever possible put your lines in the present tense – it makes them more relatable and meaningful)

wherever I found (wherever found – take out “I”)

Still watch squirrels, and their merry play,  (“watching squirrels at their merry play)

And peep at sparrows from far away. (“peeping” at sparrows from far away_

Dazzled by the starry sky,

Listened to the sounds of night (“Listening” to…)

These are, of course, just suggestions but I do think your poem has great possibility and would love to see it again, after you’ve had a chance to edit it.  Thank you so very much for sharing your work with me, Susan

 

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sharing this very emotional, vivid poem with me.  If I were to make a suggestion, it would be one: tighten the poem by eliminating words that are not necessary or that are repetitive and two: check you grammar.  There are some moments when you might be able to use a better word, one that translates better into English. 

Help! Help!
My walls have been stained again,
Graffiti gripping onto my white walls,  (suggest you use “grips” my white walls)
Halls echo with graffiti of my mother’s screams smeared with tears of son when (nice rhyme here with walls and halls) (her son’s tears – thoughts drowning)

thoughts would drown… (I would leave a space here before starting a new stanza)

Crown of thorns decorate my father, my savior as he laid facing death brought onto him by one’s he’d saved. (A crown of thorns decorates my father, my savoir as he lays facing death – I would suggest you find a clearer way of saying – “brought on to him by ones he saved” – this is a little awkward and confusing)
Depression splattered, (nice) each spot a scent of emotional carnage trying to embody all. (each stain – instead of each spot?  the rest of the line is confusing to me)

Help! (don’t know if you need this as your whole poem seems to be a cry for help.)

And as swift as lightning touched Midgard, they arrived before tear shed (more tears were shed?)
No time spared as they covered my walls with white again  (One word to say “no time spared”?)  (another word for “covered” more visual – like painted or lit or…)

Once done, like always, one question asked,  (who asks the question?  I ask – she asks – they ask?)

To why I always held the spray cans like killer held gun aimed at his only victim… himself  (Please check your grammar here – this is a powerful line and should be presented clearly.  “Why do I always hold the spray can like the killer holds a gun/ aimed at his only victim/ me)

These are just suggestions and you should disregard them if they do not work for you.  There is power and purpose in your poem and I do believe you could tighten it, correct some grammatical mistakes, and have a really dynamic poem.  Thank you so much for sharing with me.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sharing.  There are some lovely moments in your poem and an abundance of emotion.  Please see suggestions below:

 

Engulfed in desires, (I would make it “desire” not desires – and get rid of the comma – you want it to flow – not bring us to a “stop”)

Their love didn’t reach me,   (Love didn’t reach me works better here “their” is confusing)

Yet I told those bitter words-frivolously,  (“told” those bitter words – not sure what that means – perhaps “hold” those bitter words – then just leave a few spaces and go on to “frivolously”)

A hopeless daughter I was! ( I would leave off “I was” and exclamation point – don’t give us a reason to pause or stop)

Pain wouldn’t go away,  (better way of saying this?  Pain was my constant companion – pain    always by my side…)

Nor did I care to save my wandering heart!   (Nice!)

Hope this helps a bit.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you Swetha, for yet another heartfelt poem.  There are, I would suggest, quite a few issues, once again with English word usage and grammar – for example:

Her red hair,

Just blew in a breeze, (you don’t need “just” Her red hair / blew in a breeze – in poetry, less is more!)

Shining magnificently like stars,  (how about a descriptive word instead of ‘magnificently”  Shining boldly/softly/brightly/brilliantly…)

In the vast sky without seize! (“without seize” has no meaning in English – are you trying to say “freely” or without being constrained?)

 

Every stroke of her hair,  (Are you touching her hair?  To stroke is to touch)

Is a sight with pleasure, (Is it a sight or is it something you feel with your hand/with your skin?)

And do not flicker,  (These two lines do not mean anything understandable in English – rethink and rewrite what it is you want you to know/to see/to feel)

To measure like a treasure!

 

Sometimes in jealous, (Sometimes I’m jealous – in jealous is incorrect)

Over the astounding hair,  (her astounding hair – his astounding hair)

Sometimes in a daze,

Due to the disappearance of ebony hair!  (Not sure what these two lines mean – disappearance of whose hair – we get a bit confused here as to who you are talking about.)

 

Oh, what an enchanting feeling,

That makes my heart to flutter, (making my heart flutter)

I am no longer hesitant,

To accept it as my blissful moment! (Again, this is confusing because we don’t understand what the moment is exactly – you were writing about hair – hair is not a moment – it is something you saw and something that touched you – we need to understand that.)

-Swetha.

[Susan Katz]

Good morning, Swetha.  What a lovely tribute to your mother.  There is so much love and respect here.  I am traveling today and will only have time for a brief summary of suggestions for your loving poem.  I would like for you to work on it and resubmit – as June is “Love Month” at poetladykatz and perhaps, we can use your poem, when it is finalized, for the poem of the week.  Again, thank you for sharing your work with me, Susan 

See some suggestions below.

Oh, what an exquisite comfort,  ( These two lines could be shortened – to – Oh, what exquisite comfort I feel/with no pain/like a trumpet you blow away/my concerns in blissful… “rain” – doesn’t work because a trumpet doesn’t blow “rain” – it could be “music” “melody” “song” “harmony ” something that is connected to a trumpet.  And don’t worry about the rhyme – just concentrate on the meaning.)

That I could feel without a pain!

You are my only trumpet,

To blow away my concerns in a blissful rain!

 

Being fetched like a fish, (This stanza needs a little rewriting in order for it to be clear in English – example:  Caught like a fish/ during nightmarish times/made my heart wish/ for a lifetime to cherish/ without the (need a word or image here to clarify “lies” – without the pain of lies/ the sting of lies/ the wound of lies…)

During nightmares of my worst times,

Made my heart to wish,

The longest lifetime to cherish without lies!

 

I grew and still grow,

Under your guidance to fight, mother!

I am not an amateur to throw,

These wonderful times like a thunder!

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sending your very intriguing poem about shadows.  You have some very fine moments in the poem.  I do have a few suggestions I think, will help the flow and rhythm of your poem and, provide a more poetic cadence.  Your dedication to your writing is the first, and most important, step in becoming a writer/poet.  I am so pleased you choose to share your work with me.  – Your friend in poetry, Susan

Please see suggestions below:

They are pitch-black,
Yet portray the happiness, (I would take out “yet” and also, leave spaces instead of suing punctuation.  I believe your poem would have a lovely flow that way.)
Immensely felt by the humans, (don’t know if you need “immensely” or “the” – just humans will do nicely)
They do not speak,
Yet portray the emotions, (portraying emotions – don’t need “yet” or “the” – in poetry, less is more)
Inspite of being translucent, (just “translucent” says it all)
When there is light,
They are figures in dark! (figures in darkness)
They stroll along, (Is “stroll” the right word?  Do shadows stroll or do they glide/slip/slide, etc.)
With passionate humans, (beside passionate humans)
Like an interesting story, (nice)
To pen down for years, (nice – to pen down through the years?)
They have no boundaries, (nice – you used a poetic technique called enjambment – look that up – it’s well done)
To cross over,
They are totally real, (These two lines say the same thing – can you combine them somehow to make one line that says it all?)
And not an illusion!

[Susan Katz]

Good morning, Swetha.  I love the concept of your poem – the ongoing journey of the dry leaf – perhaps a metaphor for “the journey of life.”  I would like to make a few suggestions – see below:

Where have you headed?  (Perhaps “gone” would  be better or, “where are you headed?)

To the north, or the south that leads, (don’t need “or the” – just “to the north / ‘break line here’  new line – south leading

In a blink of an eye, (the blink…)

To somewhere where the faith seeds! (Either “somewhere” or “where” – and a bit confused by “the faith seeds”  Perhaps you could say that in a clearer way.)

 

Look ahead, (Can you find a more poetic way to say this?  Example: “Beyond tomorrow… )

You are flawless as you are,  (don’t need “as you are” – just “you are flawless”)

Don’t need a companion to shed, (“needing no one to shed”)

Tears in this journey of yours! (on your journey)

 

You might have lost everything,

Or had been dead in an inevitable fate, (died in an inevitable fate)

When there is an end, (How about – “Where there are endings / there are also beginnings”)

There is also a beginning!

 

Shout out loud, (can a leaf”shout”)

For you had traversed the great fate, (for you have traversed…)

But still the journey goes on and on! (and the journey goes on and on and on…)

This poem has great potential.  I think you need to think about ways to compact your thoughts into images that say, through the five senses, what your want us to know.  I’d like very much to see this poem again, once you’ve had a chance to work on it some more.  Thank you so for trusting me with your work.  – Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sharing this extremely emotional poem with me.  One can feel the love and the loss and, therefore, is drawn into your joy and sorrow.  There are some grammatical errors, and, in some cases, the tense is wrong – for example: “these enchanting memory” “memory should be memories as “these” implies more than one.  I’m also wondering if when you use the word “ascend” you might have meant “descend” – ascend to go up – descend to come down.  You might want to go through the poem and check the tenses, grammar and, see if here or there a word might be removed or replaced.  All in all, a very fine effort and a very moving poem.  Thank you so much for sharing with me, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Good morning, Riya.  First, let me answer your question about stanza breaks and when to move from one stanza to another.  A stanza break may be used for dramatic effect or because we are changing our thought or direction or, simply because the rhythm of the poem demands that we create a space, a rest, if you will, before moving on to the next line and thought.  Experiment with it and see where your poem takes you.

There is much about this poem that I like very much and that rises to a high level of poetry.  There are also times when the poem slips into a kind of “telling” rather than showing us, making us feel, insisting we become part of the poem.  Please see my suggestions below. (And remember, they are only suggestions, the poem and how it finally finds its completed way onto the page, is entirely up to you.)

I was waiting for you  (waiting for you / (this / indicates suggested line break)

from dusk till dawn 

my skin longing for the (skin longing…)

warmth of your light  (“warmth of your light” is a bit vague and also, a bit overused – is there a better way to say this – one that tells us what the “warmth” does/means to you?)

the intimacy of your  (don’t need “the” – also, there is a technique in poetry called “enjambment” and there is an opportunity for you to use it here. Enjambment is when you end a line where it suggests one meaning but, when you connect it to the next line, it takes on a new or more powerful meaning.  So I would do the following”  “the intimacy of your eyes / upon me” – also, I would suggest another way of saying “upon me” – “the intimacy of your eyes / touching – caressing – tasting – stroking, etc.  And maybe “me” becomes “my skin”  “my soul”  “my body”…)

eyes upon me

to emmerse in its depth  (Immersed in their depths)

of beauty which (this is enjambment – “immersed in their depths / of beauty which..)

sparkled my heart (more then “sparkled?” – “inflamed” “captured” “embraced”…)

and pumped its glow (has to be a better way to say this – though the idea, the feeling is wonderful.  This is almost too “clinical” while needing to be more romantic, more intense.  Example:  “”Inflamed my heart / unleashing its glow / flowing into my veins.”

into my veins

        but (I would leave this out and just do a stanza break and move on_

you never returned 

as I stood there  (don’t need “there”)

drenched in rain  (warm rain – cold rain – soft rain – hard rain?)

cherry blossoms, dust, (no commas – just leave spaces – three to five – depending on how long you want the reader to pause)

maples and snow flakes  (cherry blossoms and dust then maples and snow flakes seems like you were standing a very, very long time.  I get what you’re trying to say – the permanent feel of the leaving – but I would choose one or the other.  If you choose to use them both, I would find something else to go with snowflakes – like cold winds, for example)

patience took pity ( this stanza is a little “talky” – could use more feeling, more images and less “telling.”)

turned me into

a graffiti captioned 

‘lover turned loner’ (I like this.  You don’t need to put it into quotes unless it is someone else’s line.)

         but  (I’d leave out the “but” – that’s for story tellers, not poets)

still I wander (this stanza I find a bit confusing.  Not sure what “wandering around your graffiti for 101 years means.  Don’t know what a “lowkey ghost” is and again, you are telling us rather than showing us through imagery and emotion.)

round my graffiti

it’s 101 years

since I started being called

a lowkey ghost with 

an untold story

lost long ago

crippled in the hands 

of reaper while

waiting for you.

Again, thank you so much for trusting me with your work.  A poem is a very intimate and emotional thing and placing it into the hands of another, requires trust.  I am grateful for your belief in me.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

 

 

[Susan Katz]

I forgot to mention – when you leave out punctuation, use spacing as a way of alerting the reader to a pause.

[Susan Katz]

Good morning, Riya.  Thank you so much for submitting this lovely, lyrical, meaningful, and emotional poem.  Please see suggestions below:

The endings won’t end you (“endings won’t end you”  I would leave out capitalization and punctuation, as we don’t use those “restrictions” in our thoughts or feelings and this is what this poem is all about.)

set yourself free

with wings unfolded (unfold your wings)

there’s beauty (in)

this time, this place

go wild for a while (really like the way “wild” and “while” work together)

burn out the stars with me

memories were always priceless (were/are priceless – don’t need “always”)

as long as you wanted

I wanted the wanting

we were made of star dust

wandering in this cosmos (the cosmos)

you give me fireflies

unlove me, please

a memory, a star, a stain

let me distract you

all I need is me

I’ll never be that me again (I’d move “again” to the next line)

let me pass through

the blazing fire

I’ll come out as gold (golden)

fight for the fairytale (fight for fairytales)

let me find my wings (find wings)

escape the ordinary

‘rarity’ is rare

you are someone to me

an unreasonable request

call me a nameless person (call me nameless)

let me leave

for my fantasy.  (leave me to my fantasy)

This is a powerful and well written poem.  You understand the drama and flow of poetry and I truly enjoyed reading, and working on, this poem.  Please understand that my suggestions are just that, suggestions.  Feel free to disregard any, or all, that you disagree with.  I thank you for trusting me with your fine work and hope to get to some of your other poems, as time permits.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

 

 

[Susan Katz]

I will try to get to it tomorrow morning.  I’ve had some issues with my technical teams – due to illness, so things are a little backed up.  Thank you so much for understanding.  – Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for your exuberant and multiple submissions.  I’m afraid, time constraints make it impossible for me to respond to all your poems.  If you would let me know which one poem you would like me to work on with you, I will be happy to offer edits and suggestions.  I do understand the desire to write and share and get feedback, but I get multiple submissions and cannot respond to more than one poem, per poet, at a time – you might want to resubmit poems – one at a time – at a later date.  Again, thank you for your interest in poetry and poetladykatz.com  – Susan

[Susan Katz]

This is a very emotional, very intense poem and, for the most part, it works very well.  We feel your pain and we understand your message.  Please see some suggestions below:

 

Father 

My cheeks grow tender with each tear that flows in fantasy of : (I would end this line with “fantasy” and bring “of” down to start the next line.  I would omit capitals at the start of each line and, omit punctuation because this poem is a flowing thought, an ongoing feeling and we don’t punctuate thoughts and feelings.)

what could have been,

 Should have been,

 Shouldn’t be, 

 Should I even be?  (Love this!)

 

Father 

When you left… When you fled was I the ignition, was I like omen to farmers havest or (this line is a bit confusing – “/” this symbol stands for line break – I would break it up to read:  “when you left  /  when you fled was I / like the viking war cry that shook you out of your village))

 

Father 

I hate you for what could have been yet I miss you. (I would take out “yet” and turn this into two lines)

I hate me for missing you when he and she speak about their daddy and I…  (when others speak about their daddy… take out “and”

I hate you.

This is a really powerful poem.  I would love to see it after you’ve had time to think about it and do some editing.  I would definitely consider it for a future “Featured Poem of the Week.  Please remember that what I offer are suggestions, the poem is yours and you may consider my suggestions, apply them or, disregard them,  Your friend in poetry, Susan

 

 

 

[Susan Katz]

I can feel your emotional commitment to your poem however, it has a number of grammatical errors, making it very difficult to understand and relate to.  I believe, if you go back to it and spend time correcting grammar and reworking some lines that are a bit confusing, you will find the heart of your poem and be able to offer it to others in a way they will both feel and understand.  I will be happy to see it again, after it has been reworked.

– Susan

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