[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sharing your very intensely emotional poem with me.  I get it, I think, until the last line and then, I get a bit confused.  Please see some suggestions below:

Drink, sip on the liquor,

Lips on its circular shape ,

It’s when your eyes seem heavy that you speak truth, (Don’t need “It’s)

You don’t like my hair, it’s too long you say, (Don’t like my hair   too long )

My voice too soft to cheer you up,       (My voice too soft)

My shape uneven so it turns you off,   

Not loose enough to have fun, I shouldn’t worry about that girl,   (This is two lines, I believe)

 

Sober,your eyes fully open, 

I cut my hair made it shorter,  (If you “cut your hair” you don’t need to tell us you made it shorter)

I spoke with more sass and bass in my voice,  (….more sass more bass)

Lost the fat you called uneven, 

Got loose and had more fun,

And now you worry about that boy (? Do not get this line.)

You did a really good job with this poem.  Ir’s tight but, I think it could be tighter and flow more dramatically.  I really would love to see it again, once you’ve had a chance to work on it a bit.  Thank you for trusting me with your work.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

 

 

[Susan Katz]

Sincere thanks for sharing your poem with me.  It’s light and lovely and moves to a gentle rhythm.  I do have a few suggestions – see below:

The calming sip of your love
Sweet with every gulp      (Not sure “gulp” is the right word here – Sweet with every swallow – taste – sip – might work better.  Gulp is too hard a word for the gentleness of the poem.)

warming the butterflies that you allowed to bloom (Do butterflies “bloom” – they emerge – they soar – they fly – flowers bloom)

A cup of tea
Clear water transformed to this dark substance to satisfy your desires (satisfying your desires and, I would break this line into two lines after the word dark)
The stain
Discoloured on my white matter (Discolors my white matter)

A cup of tea
I’d like another cup please  (Nice!)

There is so much about this poem that I really like.  Sometimes a single word makes all the difference.  First make sure the word fits the thought, the feeling and then, read the poem out loud to yourself and see if the word fits the flow, the rhythm of the poem.  Please let me see it again when you have had a chance to work on it.

Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you very much for sharing your work with me.  I very much like your theme – the uncertainty of the paths we will take, where our future may lead us, who we are and who we will become.  What I need here, to make this poetry and not prose, is more attention to poetic techniques.  For example:

 

An astonishing decision could open up a new beginning,  “Like lightning striking /  illuminating new beginnings”

Also could create an unexpected moment in singing,  “creating the song my heart’s been singing.”

We need, throughout the piece, the elements that will transform your “story” into poetry; metaphor, simile, alliteration, onomatopoeia, rhythm, rhyme…

Please feel free to share again, after you’ve had a chance to work on it.

Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Love this!  While, as a poet and teacher of poetry, I might find places where editing would work, I’m just going to say – well done!  You captured a wonderful feeling and elicited a hearty chuckle.  Thank you so much for sharing your “poetry hack!”  – Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sharing your work with me.  There are some fine moments in your poem but, I believe you have to choose a rhythm and stick with it.  For example:

My eyes had met her before we first spoke as if destiny whispered and said “that’s the apple of your eye”  (I believe this is a good beginning but, would like to see it in the form that follows…- Our eyes met – we spoke as if destiny whispered – not sure about ‘apple of my eye’ a bit of a cliche – love how the next lines work – but again, try to keep your format – first hug she gave erotic – would leave off maybe emotions muddled… and from there would love to see you tighten the last stanza.)  There’s some good writing here and I would very much like to see this again when you’ve had a chance to do some editing.

I’m on the road the next few days and so there may be a delay in my responding, if you resubmit, but I will as soon as I have the time.

 

Your friend in poetry, Susan

 

The first look she gave… inimic

The first words I spoke… comedic

The first hug she gave, I felt erotic or maybe emotions muddled.

 

Reluctant to whatever encryption her essence was decrypting as if mines soul was coded with a message to say ” I….”

Ney too reluctant to accept it

[Susan Katz]

Once again, thank you for sharing your poetry with me.  I really like your opening stanza –  I would however, consider editing a bit to make it fit more concisely into the structure of poetry – see suggestions below:

The butter sun just shines,  (The butter sun shines)

Making its way along the clouds, (A better, more poetic word than “making” – prancing, dancing, leaping, sliding, ???)

I want to cuddle with this day,

Making my perfect path in this month, May! (Again “making” does not add anything to the beauty of language or impact of imagery – Discovering, finding, path-finding, and I don’t know if you need “in this month” – “Discovering my perfect path in May)

This stanza becomes more story than poem.  What we need are images for things like “adventures” – thrills -challenges – the last line is nice but, you do not need the exclamation mark – the words should tell us how much “warmth” there was.

My date boosts up with adventures,

A thrill to enjoy with my partner,

A challenge to participate with enthusiasm,

While holding hands, feeling each other’s warmth!

I would prefer if you would use another word for “date” – again, looking for an image or, simply say “he is an amusing wonder” – “experiencing what? under a clear sky”  And, I think you need a stronger ending with imagery that speaks to us in the voice of poetry. “I have no boundaries to ‘face” alone as …

My date is an amusing wonder,

To experience with him under the clear sky,

I have no boundaries to cross alone,

Since my partner would always come along!

Since I know you are serious about your poetry and are working to elevate your writing, I have given an honest critique, from my perspective.  This, however, is your work and please feel free to use or dismiss, my suggestions.

Wishing you a very creative day – your friend in poetry, Susan

 

[Susan Katz]

Thou has written a very “medieval” poem with language that might be heard in a Shakespearean play.  I feel the emotional commitment in your poem and there are some lovely images (My kingdom rains (reins?)yet the sun shines, flowers bloom yet it is not spring…)

I do like your ending, which I feel is a bit serious, a bit tongue in cheek.  Some very lovely things here and I suspect, were you to decide to, you could write some very meaningful and impressive, contemporary poetry.

Thank you so much for sharing, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sharing your work with me.  You have written prose but, I suspect, you have the heart and soul of a poet.  There are some wonderfully, well-written, poetic moments in your story –

“So many moons and earthquakes have gone but still I stroll, now leaving bits of my questions here and there , some above the charcoal rock on which I rested a month ago, some suppressed beneath the algae green mud, maybe one day seeds of daffodils would acknowledge my question and then send one of its stranded child through the cerulean wind with my answers held in its fist.”  (With “tight-fisted” editing, this is pure poetry.) (It would need tightening, but it is poetry!)

In general, I do not respond with editing suggestions to prose as this website is dedicated to poetry.  But, when I suspect a poet is lurking behind the cloak of a story-writer, I feel compelled to encourage them (you) to try and extract that which is most essential, emotional, visual and try your hand at poetry.  I think you might find there is a poem waiting to be discovered in this prose piece.

Thank you again, for sharing with me and do keep on writing, being an artist – you have, I suspect a great deal of talent.

Write on… Susan

[Susan Katz]

There are some absolutely wonderful moments in your poem!  Thank you so much for sharing it with me.  I do, as I always do, have a few suggestions that I think might tighten and make clearer, certain moments in your poem. 

Wouldn’t change a word of the following, though you might consider using spacing as a way of separating one thought from another or, creating a more dramatic affect.

Soft heat like little feet dancing on beach go-ers, (I tjhink “goers” is one word – not hyphenated)

On curved moon carved hands
On coin chasers by the car park
On children of concrete jungle
Even on those who flee solid roof for uncertain sky : (love this)
Sun stomps with high heels
Parties on skin with care free moves
On them who love Day…

for he brings prey(not sure what this means)

Hate Sun for being heartless in his torture
On them who love Night for she brings shade (This should be “torture ‘of” them not “on” them)
Hate Night for under Moon they become prey ( I would not use “prey” twice and, I’m not sure it works the first time – better here)
Sun’s beat like heart shall never stop till his olden days (not sure what this means – “shall never stop till olden days…”  I would like a sharper, tighter, clearer ending to what is, a really fine poem.)

I hope you’ll resend, and I will definitely consider for a Featured Poem of the Week publication on my website.

Write on – Susan

 

[Susan Katz]

Thank you so much for sharing this very personal and passionate poem.  You have articulated your anxiety and confusion very well.  You have told us a great deal about what you believe poetry to be.  I would suggest that the question is either, “What makes a good poem – or – What makes good poetry?”  “Imageries” I believe, should be “imagery” and I would add an “a” before “Poet’s tenderness” – which is, by the way, delightful!  In poetry, less is more – in other words, if you can say something in three words, instead of ten, that’s a good thing.

There are parts of your poem that drift into “story” mode.  In poetry, we need the imagery (metaphor and simile) we need alliteration and the occasional rhyme, and we need to be invited, emotionally, into the poem.  Your poem is filled with emotion and some very fine writing, now it needs the “editing scalpel” to carve it into the heartbeat of poetry.  I would be happy to see your poem again, after you’ve had time to work on it and do some editing. 

Writing poetry is the gratifying part for all of us and, for all of us, editing is the hard part.  I think you have the skills to turn this into a very fine poem.

Your friend in poetry, Susan

 

 

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sharing your poem.  I love your opening – “

Busy bee

Do you hear the ferocious sun?”

“hearing” the sun is a lovely concept.

If I were to make some editing suggestions, they would be to go through your poem and make sure your lines are all grammatically correct and that every word you use in the poem, is needed.  In poetry, less is more.  Also, while I’m sure the meaning is perfectly clear to you, I am finding it difficult to comprehend the true meaning of the poem.  I think you have everything you need to craft a powerful and meaningful poem, it just needs some editing.  I would be delighted to read it again, if you would like to resubmit after you’ve had time to work on it.

Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you so much for sharing this emotionally powerful poem.  You have some great lines and your rhyme, for the most part, works very well.  I would make a couple of very small suggestions – I would change “taking in the…” to “take in….” putting it in the present, this moment.  I would change “of hands of…” to “the hands of…”  as I think it works a little better and you are not repeating “of” twice in one line.  And finally, I would change the “to” in the last line to “in its wake.”  It is more accurate, as one is in the wake of a ship, or in the wake of a catastrophe.  I would also suggest you consider eliminating punctuation, because the poem moves at such a speed and with such dramatic impact, I believe punctuation just slows us down.

This is a well thought out, well executed poem and what I would like to request is: would you consider writing a very brief, one or two sentences, explaining how writing the poem may have relieved you of some of the pressure of the world situation or, in some way, made you feel better?  I would very much like to feature your poem, in about two weeks, on my Featured Poem of the Week page.  With your permission, of course.

Again, thank you so very much for sharing your fine work with me, Your Friend in Poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

First of all, I love the concept – the celebration of colors – the connection between colors and emotions.  I think this poem could really be quite wonderful with a few edits and grammatical corrections.  Let me give you some examples:

It’s the happiness,  (“It’s” is a “tight” word and you have a poem that flows – so I would change “it’s” to It is…)

That sprouts in the colour of pink, (color – not colour)

It’s the cheerfulness, (It is the…)

That lingers in the colour of yellow, (I like “lingers” but wonder if yellow isn’t luxuriating in the color – not colour – yellow)

It’s the secularism,

That waltz in a dash like some race!  (Waltzing is slow and elegant and graceful – I find the image jarring – waltz/dash – again I would start with “It is… also, can you find a simpler word for secularism?)

The poem becomes a little confusing at this point and I think, needs to be simplified.  Your ideas and images and flow all work – but the language is a bit convoluted and the poem starts to slip away from us.

One last thing.  I really like your ending but –

The true festival of colours, (colors)

Is the colours that our hearts portrays! (are the colors that our hearts portray or heart portrays – one or the other.)

Thank you so very much for sharing your work with me, yet again.  I love that you are such a prolific poet and that you are willing to share your work and allow me to make editing suggestions.  Please resubmit after you’ve had a chance to work on it.  Your Friend in Poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Good Morning from Connecticut, USA.  Thank you, for once again sharing your work with me.  There is powerful emotion in this poem and, because I think it has great possibility, I do have a few suggestions I think might help the poem to flow both rhythmically, and poetically. I’m going to use your first stanza as an example but, the suggestions I make for this stanza, could be applied to the others, as well.

Life seems to be in vain,  LIFE IS IN VAIN (more powerful if it “is: rather than “seems to be”

For me to mourn with my unsatisfied,    I MOURN UNSATISFIED, UNPREDICTABLE (line break here)

Unpredictable desires to accomplish!   (DESIRES TO ACCOMPLISH)

Where do I need to stroll for my destination?  I WOULD SUGGEST A STRONGER

WORD THAN “STROLL” HERE – TO “STROLL” IS TO MOVE LEISURELY – YOU ARE SEEKING YOUR UNSATISFIED DESIRES – I BELIEVE YOU WOULD BE RUNNING OR PUSHING FORWARD OR STRUGGLING – AND, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THIS IN A LESS COMPLICATED WAY – EXAMPLE: I struggle towards my destination.

Your work has all the passion, purpose, and possibility a poem needs to succeed.  I think you simply have to spend some time editing, reading your poem aloud and discovering those moments in the poem where brevity of language, imagery, and poetic techniques such as, alliteration, will enhance the intention and meaning of your poem, for the reader.

Thank you, once again, for sharing your poem, and trusting me to critique it.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Yes, you certainly have the fire that ignites poetry.  This one, has some awkward wording – it’s almost as if words are missing and misplaced.  “

There’s always a thousand

to mean, a thousand more to speak

born to express , not to interpret”  Just not sure what this means – it needs to be clearer and that could be accomplished by putting your emotion, on the page, in the form of an image.

“behind the bars of wilting world;” – Behind the bars of a wilting world – not sure “bars” and “wilting world” are a clear combination of images for me.

“

came here to hide

from the chasing spotlight   (Don’t know if “chasing” is the right word here – might be a better, more powerful one…)

escaping the chains of demons

highlight me not

for a while, I plead.  (Nice)

Again, thank you for sharing your work with me.  I am getting the feeling you are a prolific writer.  That’s great. A writer writes – that’s the only way for us to unburden ourselves, and reach out to connect with others.  I’m honored that you reached out to connect with me, Susan

 

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