[Susan Katz]

Once again, you have filled the page with powerful emotion and a raw kind of honesty that is both touching and compelling.  The poem has a very fine rhythm, as well.  I’m a little turned off by the word “thou” thinking “you” would work just as well and not stand out in a kind of confusing way – since your poem is not written in an old English format.  Also, I find “amour” a bit jarring – as it seems, as a reader coming to your poem with no background into your relationship, out of place.  You certainly have all the instincts of a poet!  – Susan

[Susan Katz]

Wow!  This is a potent poem – filled with so much raw emotion.  While, you certainly have engaged me with your passion and honesty, I would, as a poet, wish for more in the way of imagery.  You tell us what you’re feeling (and felt) and in order for me to feel it too, become totally immersed in your poem, I need visual, sensory imagery.  Also, I would suggest that “less is more” where poetry is concerned.  Once you’ve said it, in the most powerfully poetic way possible, don’t say it again – just assume we got it and feel it and know it!  You have the sensitivity of a poet, the passion of a poet, and there are some very fine lines in your poem.  I would suggest (and it is just a suggestion) that you go back to your poem and try editing out all that is repetitive and see if you can turn some of those lines into images that incorporate one or more of the five senses.  Thank you so very much for trusting me to read and comment on your poem.  Your friend in Poetry,

Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for submitting your poem here in the Chat Room.  Let me start by saying, you have some lovely, lyrical, finely written lines in your poem.  I will reference some of them but first, there are some issues with grammar and tense in your poem.  Grammatically correct would be:  Loves Satiety has grown – or – Loves Satiety grew – “Which enbosom’s thou greatness, in beauty & in minds” “embosom’s is not a word in English – perhaps you meant “embodies?”  And “minds” need not be plural – just “mind” would work better, as, I assume, it is your “mind” we are talking about.  Again “finds” should be “find” – “

“Beyond horizons of death, we shall raise a cottage,

& fashion those walls, with erotic paintings long lost;

“Where scorpions won’t poison our pious tale of passion,

So no regret shall thrive, in heart’s (our hearts?)      LOVELY LINES

“Lavish art those eyes, O painted in hyacinth blue-”  VERY NICE

“Forbids what then thou, to glow beyond gloom,” THIS LINE IS CONFUSING

“Amour to the world, is this what concerns thou?

Then hear, O beloved,” In us love’s satiety hath grew”.” YOUR POEM DESERVES A CLEARER ENDING THAN THIS.  I AM A BIT CONFUSED BY THESE TWO LINES AND THIS IS WHERE THE POEM NEEDS TO MAKE ITS ULTIMATE STATEMENT.

I would be most happy to see your poem again, after you have had a chance to work on it and do some editing and grammatical corrections.  I am planning on doing a week, on my site, where I focus on love as the theme.  I will be happy to consider your poem for “Poem of the Week” for that week, after you’ve had a chance to edit it.

You have talent and you understand the intricacies and passion of poetry.  I am so impressed by your ability to write poetry in a second language.  Your poem just needs some tightening and correcting and I think it will be something you can be very, very proud of.  Thanks once again, for trusting me with your work, Susan

[Susan Katz]

It’s delightful.  Poetry should leave us feeling something and, your short but “sweet” poem, leaves us feeling uplifted, happy, imagining spreading our own “bee wings” and flying.  Thank you so very much for sharing.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sending your very “thoughtful” poem about this journey, we are all on, called life.  I can well imagine why, in these strange and troubled times, one might spend time contemplating their journey through the, often rough and unpredictable. waters of life.  You are a deep and poetic thinker.  I am very impressed with how you deal with the things that trouble you or, at the very least, perplex you.  I am truly delighted that you choose to share your poems with me.  – Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you, for once again, sending a heartfelt and self-reflective poem.  I can tell you write from the heart.  Again, there are a number of grammatical/word-usage errors in the poem, that detract from the flow, rhythm, and meaning.  Here are a couple of examples:

People are sure on strolls,   (This does not translate well – people are “sure” on strolls – simply it could be – People stroll…)

To pass on the critical judgement, (passing on critical judgement…)

I won’t let people to judge me, (I won’t let people judge me – the “to” does not belong here)

Alas! It’s not a story about you judge,  (Alas, it’s not a story “for” you to judge…)

These are just a few examples and your poem would benefit greatly from checking on tenses and proper usage of words.  I would, however, reinforce the idea that you are passionate, purposeful, and powerful in your pursuance of poetry.  Do keep writing and sharing – I am delighted when I see one of your poems show up in my Chat Room.  Have a happy day, Susan

 

[Susan Katz]

You are definitely a most prolific writer.  I very much enjoy receiving your work.  I like your opening line – it’s powerful and purposeful.  I do, however, have some suggestions I’d like to pass on to you, I think will improve the flow and quality of this poem.

A mountain is so high and steep,         “A mountain high and steep

So daring enough to make me deep,   Deep enough to make me daring

In thoughts of reluctance,                     Reluctantly       mighty

He looks so mighty like a king!             Like a king!

 

I think your poem, like nature, would flow more rhythmically and more naturally without extra wording or making the line fit the rhyme.  While rhyme has its place in poetry, it no longer, as in classical times, dictates the wording or rhythm of the poem.  I think you have a true sense of the power, passion, and possibility of poetry – you would benefit greatly if you would read some contemporary poetry and become familiar with how it reads on the page and sounds, when read aloud.

Thank you again for sharing, and for trusting me to critique your work.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Please note that your poem is now being featured in the Poem of the Week section (under Poetry on the select bar) at https://www.poetladykatz.com Congratulations.

[Susan Katz]

You are definitely a prolific writer – and I love that.  It is who poets are and what they do – write poems.  I would like to suggest a few things – first, “renovated” and “sword” – beginning and ending of your image, do not work.  “Severed” works with sword, (cut, sliced, etc.) otherwise, you have a mixed metaphor that we cannot feel or understand. Are “swords” “intriguing?”  – Not sure – perhaps there is a better word here too.  Love “Waltz of words” but am troubled by “in rolls” as I don’t know what that means.

I guess you’ve noticed that I’ve become a bit more picky with my critique, but that’s because I believe you are serious about your writing and truly would like to help you lift your poems to a new level.

I appreciate your trusting me with your work.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thanks so much for sending another poem.  You are a very prolific writer, it would seem.  I very much like the tone and theme of your poem. And, I love your opening line – “I am an unspoken spirit…”  What your poem suffers from, is a series of grammatical errors and misused words.  Here are a couple of examples:

“When you relinquish my soul without flings!”  This really doesn’t translate into English very well.  In fact, I cannot determine the meaning of the line.  What is the line supposed to mean?

And here are some more lines that simply do not “mean” anything I can grasp hold of, in English: 

In argle bargle like an war!

My worth comes like a spring

About the fruitful discussion in tons,

But, this is very nice – using alliteration and, it has meaning: “Waltzing in awakening wonders!”

I can only imagine how hard it is to write in a second language – hard enough to write poetry in your first language.  You are persistent, and talented, and dedicated, so I know you will eventually get to where you want to go, as a poet.

Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sharing another poem with me.  You have some lovely lines here and there is a quiet and harmonious rhythm that seems to fit the poem very well.  There are a few grammatical errors, that simply don’t translate well into English – for example: “tranquil” should be tranquility – “Falling do” should be falling does – “The skies” should be singular – sky and “are” should be is – “jealous” should be jealousy – You don’t need “with” the waltzing wings (which by the way is a lovely image) – “in” her own way – should be on her own way – “Separating” should be separated – “To set her off “on” a new journey.

There is much to commend in this poem – you have a true sense of imagery and that brings the poem, your words and thoughts, to life in a sensory way.  I will be featuring your poem from last week, in next week’s posts so, if you have an Instagram tag or Facebook tag you would like us to use, please send it along.  I’m afraid this poem, will have to wait for fall – though you should be very proud of your effort – it is truly well and thoughtfully written.  – Susan

[Susan Katz]

May we add the word “with” to the line – “While strolling along with whispering birds?”

Thank you for your speedy response!  Poetry is so important to us, as it speaks not only truth,but awareness, connection, and possibility.  In these troubled times, poetry is more important than ever.  With that one additional change, I will feature your poem on my website on 3/25/2022.  Please send along any “tags” you would like us to use.

[Susan Katz]

Good Morning from Connecticut, USA.  Thank you for sending me your “March” poem.  I very much like the gentle rhythm of it and the quiet, but clear message.  However, there are a couple of suggestions I would like to make.

A call in March,

By the honouring blooms, (This does not translate well into English -“honored” blooms would work)

The time to vanish wrath,  (Is it “the” time or “A” time?

The time for foe and friends, (Is it “the” time or “A” time?)

While strolling over whispering birds! (We would not stroll “over” birds – that would be stepping on them – we might stroll to the sound of whispering birds.)

If you would like to make some edits, please resubmit and I will consider your poem for a future “featured poem” – probably the last week in March.

Thank you for sending and for your interest in https://www.poetladykatz.com  – Susan

[Susan Katz]

I am truly sorry for the delay in responding to you, but I have been dealing with a family emergency.

Your poem has a lovely, quiet message that takes us on a journey to the sea.  You have some delightful images, as well.  However, I would suggest that you not lean so heavily on rhyming.  Your rhymes (some of them very good) do tend to “take over” the poem and we cannot concentrate on the beauty of the scene and the feelings of making you feel like “a sea queen.”  I want more of that – words that paint pictures, rhythm and emotion.  Rhyme has its place but should not control the mood and message of the poem.  Thank you so much for sharing your meaningful poem with me.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Hi Sarah – interesting questions but, in the end, easy to answer.  I fell in love with poetry at my father’s knee, when he read me the poems of Rudyard Kipling.  I wanted to read poetry, write poetry and yes, become a poet – from that first day when I heard my Father reading “On the Road to Mandalay.”  I was hypnotized by the fact that words could paint pictures, take me on journeys, make me feel excitement, joy, sadness, and wonder.  I had many side trips on my way to becoming a full-time poet, teacher, consultant, workshop leader but, through all those years I wrote, had my work published, had books come out and each of those events supported my goals of doing what I do now.  If there’s a poet inside of you, you will know it, you will feel it, and it is who you are and what you will do with your life.  Poetry is a calling, it chooses you, not the other way around.  So, if you’re wondering if you’re a poet, let your heart lead you.  I never questioned that poetry and I would become intimate, lifelong friends.  And so we have.  I hope this answers your question.  Let me know if you’d like to talk more about “becoming – being” a poet.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

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