[Susan Katz]

Very romantic poem.  I am a bit confused by the line “My love who calls you thy…” is it “thine” or “mine” – thy, I don’t think is quite the right word.  However, having said that, I can feel your emotion and genuine commitment to making us, the reader, feel something and be involved in the story you are telling.  Another suggestion – don’t worry so much about the rhyme – poetry should be more dependent on imagery than a rhyme at the end of each line.  Thank you very much for submitting your poem.  I will consider it for Featured Poem of the Month for December.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you so much for sharing your lovey poem with me.  Your poem is lyrical and gentle and I love the line “Sing me to sleep Mother…” but I would also suggest that you not lean so heavily on rhyme.  The word “mush” at the end seems somehow forced — as though you were struggling to find something to rhyme with touch.  Trust imagery to take you to that place where you connect with the reader and make them feel what you want them to feel.  Example: “My agitation melts like frost at the touch of dawn.”

I will be considering your poem for Featured Poem of the Month for December.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Your poem is very narrative in nature and tells quite a passionate and emotional story.  Thank you so much for sharing it with me.  I would suggest, from the point of view of the technical nature of poetry, that you lean less heavily on the rhyme and concentrate more on making us feel, through imagery, what you are so passionately telling us – a sad and tragic story.  Bring us in with imagery – rhyme works but should not be the focus of the poem.  You have something meaningful to say – and you say it – now make it even more powerful by incorporating some strong images.

I will be considering your poem for Featured Poem of the Month for December.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you so much for sharing your poem with me.  It is filled with honest emotion and humanity.  I would suggest, for the sake of the poem, that you try to find places where you could, perhaps, use an image instead of telling us.  Let me give you an example:

“society is rusted and disgraced” – “let tears flood your eyes like summer rain…”  A poem becomes accessible when we can see, hear, taste, feel, and even smell the feelings you are writing about.  You have a strong poem – I think you could make it even stronger.  I will, of course, consider your poem for Featured Poem of the Month for December.

Your friend in poetry, Susan

 

 

[Susan Katz]

What a lovely idea to bring your “shadow” to life and give it real and meaningful qualities.  May I make a couple off suggestions as pertains to English grammar. 

“Sometimes you’re forward to me” should be, “sometimes you’re ahead of me…” and

“What not you do” should be “what don’t you do…”

I am very happy to consider your poem for Featured Poem of the Month for December.  If it is chosen, I would request that the corrections to the grammar be applied to the poem.

Thank you so much for submitting your work and thank you for being a fellow poet,

Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you so much for submitting your very lyrical and philosophical poem for consideration as Featured Poem of the Month.  I find your poem to be well written and speaking in a voice that is both classical in tone and yet, somehow contemporary, as well.  I do think your poem, at times, is a little difficult to understand – but then, poetry must be felt and visualized, as well as understood, and we certainly feel the emotion in your poem.  I will be announcing the chosen poem by the end of the first week of November.  Thank you again, Your friend in Poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you so much for this very heartfelt poem (or musings) – it captures such a nostalgic mood, a sense of something lost or left behind – something, I think all of us can relate to.  If you were to want to work on this and turn it into a poem, it would need some editing, some thought as to how to express some of these emotions through imagery, metaphor and simile, but you certainly do have some fine work here and it could become, I believe, a fine poem.

Thank you so much for sharing with me.  Your friend in creative writing of all kinds, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you Candice for sending again.  I think this work well.  I wonder if you have ever thought about “line break.”  For example – instead of having your rhymes come at the end of each line – how about trying this…

Dreams within hoping

to be true reaching the skies

so blue      the reason

for this is the secret

of bliss.

I do think this helps make the poem more intriguing and invites the reader to move from line to line.  It’s something to think about.  Once again, thank you so much for being a part of Poet Lady Katz.  Have a wonderful rest of your day, Susan

[Susan Katz]

You’ve made some great changes.  One thing I would suggest is that you “tell” us less and make us “feel” more by using imagery. For example:  ‘So exhausting to carry along/my never-ending burdens…”  This could become an image – “my burdens/ a sack of rocks/ heavy on my shoulders…”  You have some wonderful and meaningful lines and your message is clear – just try to see where you could use a powerful metaphor or simile.  I encourage you to keep working on your poem as I think it has great potential.  I congratulate you on the progress you’ve made and look forward to seeing more of this poem, and other work, in the future.  Your friend in poetry,

Susan

[Susan Katz]

Hi Candice,  So nice to hear from you in the format of your very strong and meaningful poem.  I do have a number of suggestions – and they have to do with the concept in poetry that, less is more.  In other words, if you can say something in two words, don’t use five.  A few examples – “Dreams within me/ hoping they come true”  “The reasons for my bliss/ the secret of all this…”  Just a few examples of how you could tighten your poem and by doing so, strengthen it – make it more powerful.  Prose is an open hand, poetry is a closed fist.  Thank you so much for sharing – please send again, when you have had a chance to work a bit on it.  I do so appreciate your interest in Poet Lady Katz.  You friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Very impressive poem.  I like your opening lines – they flow beautifully and set the stage for the rest of your message.  A few suggestions:  “can not” instead of “can’t” – “smooth” instead of “smoothen” which does not exist in English – and separate “I” and “am” – and finally, I don’t know if you need the last part of your ending line “of my dark pathway” as ” “For I am the lamp” says it all.  Well done.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for your kind and complimentary words.  I am happy to encourage talent and creativity wherever, and whenever, I find it.  I believe you have those qualities.  My book comes out on the 31rst of August.  As of this minute, I have no copies of it.  As soon as I do, I will select 10 people who have said they want a signed copy of the book, and send it to them.  Since you are the first to say you look forward to reading my book, you will be the first one I select to receive a copy.  Please send your address to me here, in the Chat Room.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for this very lovely and well written poem.  I especially like the calm rhythm that takes us from one line to the next – asking questions that one contemplates – and leaving the questions unanswered.  You write with a light touch that makes your poem easy to read and remember.  My one question to you would be about the title.  I’m not exactly sure if it fits the poems message but that, of course, is a question only you can answer.  Thank you for sharing your meaningful poem with me.  I am going to try and find a way to feature it up on the website in the next week or so.  I have no space at the moment, but I do think it’s worth sharing with my followers at https://www.poetladykatz.com.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for that very intense and emotional and human explanation of what the poem means to you. I hear what you're saying in your poem and was not implying you change your message but only that poetry is an art form, and like all art forms, it has rules and ways in which words come together to form ideas. I do believe you have talent and I do understand the place from which your poem was conceived and, I congratulate you on being able to take those punishing feelings and put them into words and put the words into the format of a poem. Keep feeling – keep writing – keep sharing. Poetry has always offered me a way to manage my life by being able to speak it, in all its joy and sorrow, love and loss, gratitude and anger, though the power of the poem. – Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you so very much for sharing this very emotional, and intensely felt, poem with me.  I like the consistent tone, the rhythm (though I have a couple of suggestions there) and the message.  There is something wonderfully noble about the “me” in this poem. 

Disdain me but
Behind the curtain
I look                                                          ( lovely, tight rhythm here!)
Not as a puppet master                             (do you need the “a” here?)
But a concerned bystander you loathe     ( I would love to see you “tighten this line)
I only cheer behind the curtain                 (do you need “only?”)
With all my adoration for you                   (do you need “with?”)
Like I said previously          (this is more a declaration than a line in a poem – do you need it – just eliminating it and moving right to your next line would tighten your poem and take it to a quicker, more dramatic ending.  In poetry, “less is more” – think of the poem as a fist – the story as the open hand.)

My life resides in you (nice!)

Your poem is powerful because you have committed emotionally to it.  I think, as well, that it is very well written and, my suggestions (and they are just that, suggestions) attempt to take your poem into a more poetic consciousness.  Disregard them if they do not resonate with you.

Again, thank you for trusting me with your poem, Susan

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