[Susan Katz]

Work on this line.  It does not make sense in English.  “As it would into turn into anything…”

[Susan Katz]

You are in no danger of letting me down. I am impressed by your enthusiasm, your creativity, your talent, and your persistence. Just about everything a person needs to be a good writer.

[Susan Katz]

Good Morning from Connecticut, USA. You have made wonderful progress with your poem. You have tightened it, and addressed most of the issues with English grammar. I might add, poetry is often forgiving when we take language and twist it about a bit. And so, some moments in your poem work really well. I particularly like your first stanza but wonder if you meant to say –

With nothing to impress
WITH NO ONE TO IMPRESS
Just his sheer innocence
WITH HIS SHEER INNOCENCE

I truly like your ending – the "confession" if you will that this journey you've taken us on, this "friend" you introduce us to in your poem, is the boy's imagination. Lovely. Rather than go over the poem here, may I suggest you read some of the lessons here on my website. I talk about imagery, rhyme, poetic techniques, and editing. Your poem has come a long way and deserves the attention to detail I think would make it a truly meaningful poem. Please let me see your next version of it and perhaps, I will be able to feature it as my "Poem of the Week" after you've been able to declare it "finished." Keep on writing and believing in yourself. I do think you have talent. Write on, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you so much for sharing your very inviting, very self revealing poem.  I think you have some wonderful moments in your poem – moments that are both compelling and quite well written.  There are some places where your grammar (English not being your first language) gets in the way of the poem’s intent.  For example:

Peeping through the window,
Running in the wild I saw,
My younger self
Just look (how) handsome he was
A boy of simple bones and flesh
With nothing to impress
Just his sheer innocence

The rest of the stanza is excellent  – delightful – well-written and subtly poetic.  I like the way you have three “slant rhymes” at the end of your stanza, “flesh” “impress” and “innocence.”  Deftly done!

Your poem has a presence and a purpose and invites us to read on.  I would love to see it again, after you’ve had a chance to do a bit of editing (remember, less is more, in poetry) and address the grammatical issues.  Thank you so much for allowing me the  opportunity to read your poem.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

What a lovely tribute to someone who, obviously, means the world to you.  You have certainly captured a mood, a feeling, and let us in to your heart, with your words.  There are, I’m afraid, a multitude of grammatical errors, as this poem tries to translate itself into English.  Instead of saying, “When you are not in my life i am smile but …….. ”  in English it should read, “When you are not in my life I smile (take out the am.)  This is an amazing effort in a language that is obviously not the language you spoke from birth.  I truly thank you for sharing it with me and hope you spend some time rethinking and rewriting it, as you explore the grammar that will elevate your poem.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

And yet, your “Not  A Poem” is, in fact, a small poetic offering.  Some delightful lines “tempting eyes” – “wisdom in your words” – leading up to your final line “I say to you Good Bye.”  It leaves me wondering exactly “who” you are saying goodbye to.  Is it yourself, or this other side of yourself? Isit a lover? That’s what poetry should do.  Invite us in to the poem and then, make us wonder, make us think, make us feel.  If it were my poem, I would let it flow without punctuation – perhaps you could use spacing to create the drama – example:  Your magnetic     presence (and I would put tempting on this line – that way you are creating the poetic technique known as enjambment  – when a word means something on the line it’s on and then the meaning becomes something else when the word connects with the next line.)  You are also creating enjambment if you you put the word wisdom (or wise) on the same line with eyes. I would change “wisdom” to “wise” because of the rhyme but also because of the rhythm.  I would also start a new stanza with “Can’t”.  I’m wondering if you can find a better way to say that – “can’t is harsh and seems, somehow, out of place.  Might the word be “won’t” or “unable to be” – you might want to think about this a bit.So, your poem would read:

 

Your magnetic       presence tempting
eyes     wise
in your words

(can’t?) be a prisoner anymore
I say to you          Good bye

 

Thank you so much for sharing.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

 

 

 

 

 

[Susan Katz]

Thank you so much for submitting this lovely, lyrical poem.  I love “poised with pearls of wisdom” – it flows with such grace and uses a very nice balance of alliteration.  I’m a bit confused by “melancholy to exist” and wonder if there is an image for that or a clearer way to say exactly what you want us to know.  She is sad?  She is contemplative?  Is there an image that could make us feel what “her eyes couldn’t hide?”  I think you have a very good understanding of the essence of poetry and, if you decide to do a bit of editing, I’d love to see the next version of your poem.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sharing your work with me.  I have to be honest and say that your words do not clearly say what you want to say, in English.  I am unsure of the message – “love at its end is like the butterfly that becomes (“flaws” does not work here.)  I would love to know what your message is and it could be told in the form of an image.  If the message is, that – at the end love is flawed – then how does the butterfly represent that? if you choose to use the butterfly as your image, in what way is the butterfly flawed? The definition of flawed is “blemished, damaged, or imperfect in some way.” “I think you have the beginning of a short one or two line poem, but now it needs to be crafted into something we can both understand, and relate to.  Please feel free to resubmit after you’ve had a chance to work on it.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

You have some very strong, emotional moments in your poem and tell a story of being lost and then, hopefully, finding yourself, finding your way home.  It is a compelling story and one, many of us, can relate to.  Your poem needs some editing – in poetry – less is more.  Find the words that really don’t add anything to the telling of your “story” and take them out, perhaps rewriting the lines  Also, check your grammar, as there are a number of places where the word is in the wrong place or there are some issues that simply confuse rather than enlighten.  I believe you have the beginnings of a poem worth working on, worth bringing into the light and I look forward to reading it again, after you’ve had time to work on it.  I would respectfully suggest you have a look at some of the lessons here on the site.  I think that many of them might help steer you in the direction of turning words on paper, thoughts in your head, into the power of poetry.  Thank you so very much for sharing your work with me, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you so much for sharing your poem with me.  I am touched by your insight into why you write and your ability to share those feelings through your writing.  As I tell many of the poets I’ve worked with over the years, poetry requires imagery – it requires that you show us by using your five senses and the power of the image, what your feeling and what you want us to feel.  Telling us, speaks more to a narrative than a poem.  For example:

My friend , my pen, my sheet

My only one in my worse time ! 

Suppose you find an image to replace the word “sheet” – maybe it’s your “sword” your Light in darkness” your shelter from the storm” and, “My only one in worse time” could be an image – the warmth of sunlight after a storm” – “solid ground beneath my feet” – rain nourishing my parched soul…”  Find a way to engage us through imagery and you will have a very powerful poem.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you so much for sending this very emotional and intense poem for me to read.  I can feel your passion and your commitment to the ideas you are sharing with your reader.  In order for it be more “poetic” I would love to see more imagery, sharper line breaks, and other poetic devices that help to bring the reader into the experience you are sharing with us.  May I respectfully suggest, you take a look at some of the lessons here at http://www.poetladykatz – as they may be helpful in editing your poem, if that is the path you choose.  Poetry is the perfect way to articulate your passions, and you certainly have done that.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sharing this very dark and very intricate poem with me.  I do love many of your lines and the way the poem takes us, with you, on a journey. “My heart couldn’t bear the thirst anymore” is, for example, a great line!  I do think the poem wanders a bit, taking us places that confuse us.  In other words, as with all poetry, I believe your poem would benefit from editing – finding where the poem, the message, lives and bringing that home to us without adding anything that is unnecessary to that theme.  You have talent and are a good story teller, as well.  I would be happy to see this poem again, after you’ve had a chance to revisit it and revise it, with the eye and the heart of the poet.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sending your poem my way.  You have some truly lovely images here –

“The Breeze whispering in your ears,

Like a soft feather on the skin”  

“Walk from the sidelines,

To the center of your life.”

“Your frozen heart needs to melt into

Tears of strength…”

What your poem needs now is some editing.  Read it and then reread it, read it aloud and try to find those words that get in the way of the rhythm of the poem, find the times where you have repeated the same thing – and pick the best way to say it just once.  You have written the beginnings of a very fine poem and I look forward to seeing it again after you’ve had a chance to work on it.  Might I suggest you check out some of my lessons here on the website, they may be helpful in the editing process – one, all poets need to learn and apply to their poems.  Thank you again for sharing, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Your poem is strong emotionally and certainly gets its message across.  I find your ending to be very powerful and persuasive and I’m sure poets everywhere, can relate to it.  I hope you will read my lesson that will be put up on the site this Friday – as it talks about how, in poetry, less is more.  Repetition tends to detract from the power of the poem.  Find one good image, one meaningful way to say what you want us to know and then, move on to the next thing.  I feel your passion and believe you have great possibility – so please – keep writing and if you are so inclined, sharing your poems here in my Chat Room.  I look forward to reading them, Susan

[Susan Katz]

I have chosen your poem to be featured, one day next week, on my Instagram page. Please send me your Instagram name so that we can tag you.

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