[Susan Katz]

Another well written poem that expresses your feelings clearly and poetically.  I do very much like your line “express but not to impress” because I don’t think poetry is meant to impress but rather, it is meant to speak our inner selves, our hearts, our souls.  Thank you for sharing.  I will get this along to my Instagram Programmer and it will be featured, one day soon, on my Instagram page.  – Susan

[Susan Katz]

I really found this to be compelling – so much emotion in just the two lines.  I think your words will resonate with many poets.  I will definitely be featuring your poem on my Instagram page, in the next few days.  Thank you so much for sharing with me, Susa

[Susan Katz]

I very much like your use of alliteration – I think it works well.  I sense a touch of classical poetry influence in your writing.  Well done!  Thank you so much for sharing with me.  I will be featuring your poem, in the next few days, on my Instagram page.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Very nicely done.  My suggestion for you would be to look up the poetic techniques of line break and enjambment.  Your poem would work so well if you incorporated some of these techniques.  For example:  “I want to flow with a drop / of water an infant / river sliding down / the window pane blissfully/ aimless.”  I know I asked for a two line poem but this poem is asking for line breaks that help it reach its full potential.  I will, either way, consider it for featuring, in the next couple of weeks, on my Instagram page.  Thank you so much for sharing and – well done!  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sharing this delightful little poem.  I think, if I were you, I might turn this into a three line poem, just so that you might play with line break.  “Joy is riding an orange scooter on an unknown/ road under the blazing sun to reach the known/ destination (by) the moonlight.”  I’m not sure “by” is the right word.  We can sit or ride “under” the moonlight, “surrounded” by moonlight, “touched” by moonlight “lit” by moonlight – but I have a hard time understanding the concept of “”by the moonlight.”  In any event, well done.  I will consider your poem for featuring on my Instagram page in the next couple of weeks.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Interesting and intriguing little poem – thank you so much for sharing.  While I have, on occasion, railed against rhyme – I think it works here.  I might, if I were you, delete the punctuation and just let the words run together.  I think it would work – kind of a “thought” that forms in the mind.  We don’t punctuate those.  I will definitely be considering your poem as one of the ones I will be featuring in the next week or two, on my Instagram page.  I invite you to think about the punctuation and let me know.  Either way, I will consider it, as mentioned before.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Well done.  I think you have created a very lovely rhythm and the lines move, one to the other, with fluid grace.  I question, because of the rhythm, the word “deep,” as it seems to interrupt the flow.  Does it truly add anything to the poem?  Might I inquire about the word salinity?  Salinity refers to the degree of salt in water.  Perhaps there is another word that manages to sustain the rhythm you’ve created, that means something more pertinent to the image you are creating.  And, might “had” be “hide?”  I would love to see this again, if you are inclined to do a bit of editing – the work of the poet.  Writing, of course, is the fun part, editing, the hard work we all must address if we choose to bring our poems to their highest level.  Thank you so very much for sharing this well written poem with me.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Love this!  Concise and precise and says exactly what you want it to say and it does so, by creating two exciting images.  Well done!  If I were you and this were my poem, I would take out the commas and just let the poem flow – perhaps, leaving spaces ( 3 – 5)  where you now have commas.  The reason I suggest this is because the poem is so short – the images – one following the other – both powerful and I do feel the commas are like “stop signs” slowing us down from taking it all in a single, powerful “gulp.”  Either way – commas or no commas, I will be featuring your poem on a future Instagram page post.  Thank you so very much for sharing,  Susan

[Susan Katz]

This is a very delightful little insight into the hazards of love.  Thank you so much for sharing.  May I suggest, “move” should be “moves” and “stems” might more accurately be “roots.”  I wonder if you would be willing to do some editing and then resubmit.  I would very much like to see it again and perhaps, be able to consider it for featuring on my Instagram page.  Thank you again for sharing your work with me, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sharing this personal insight with me.  I would have liked to have seen an image for “controlling your mind” – such as “containing it between the covers of a book” or for “(in) surging thoughts” like “the tide engulfing the sand” – or “Worried” like “leaves tormented by the breeze.”  We need to see, hear, taste, touch, smell the images that make a poem, a poem.  I very much like what you are saying and do believe you could turn this into a very fine poem, with some attention to the techniques that make poetry, poetry,  – Susan

[Susan Katz]

I can feel the love and the admiration that someone in your life, inspired.  What I would have liked to have seen more of, are the techniques that make a poem, a poem.  I would have liked to have seen imagery (metaphor and simile) interesting line breaks and perhaps, a bit of alliteration.  Your message is strong and clear and well said – now, you may want to craft this piece into a poem that makes us feel what you feel and know what you know.  Thank you so very much for sharing your work with me, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Thank you very much for sharing your poem with me.  I very much like “intensity of dusk” as an image for “criticism” and would have loved to have seen more in the way of imagery throughout this short, two-line poem.  I think you have delivered your message very well, and very thoughtfully.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Susan Katz]

There is so much, in  your poem, that is so well thought out and well written, as well.  The poem does have some issues with English grammar and would benefit from some editing.  I am, however, impressed by the power and passion of your poem.  Thank you so very much for sharing, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Well said – and a very interesting perspective.  I’m impressed that you were able to speak this complete thought in just a very few words.  Thank you so much for sharing with me, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Very nicely done.  A strong image that works throughout and I do like your title.  I do think your poem would benefit from tightening – removing unnecessary words, for example:  Do you need (a new) fire – words like “now” and “and” are standing in the way of the flow of the poem – and check your tenses – many of them are grammatically incorrect.  Sorry to be so critical – I only do so when I feel there is really possibility and talent.  I would invite you to rewrite your poem – rethink it in terms of rhythm and also fool around a bit with where you end your lines – that sometimes makes a huge difference in the way we read your poem – and thus, what we get out of your poem.  Truly, well done – love to see it again, after editing.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Author]

Posts